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How The Memories Fade.

How The Memories Fade.

This week I have touched on being locked in the past on alot of thoughts, however the portion of good and fun memories I wanted to hang onto faces almost daily it seems and I know we are working on a timeline and as one who has always done it his own way this doesn’t sit well. There are days I sit and try and walk back down memory lane for the good just never seems to happen either the good memory is marred by some stank ass memory or I just can’t seem to make out the person’s face its like it happened and with someone but who.
If any of this seems unnerving let’s throw in the hallucinations during some of these, to hear a voice and see no face but knowing full well its not real but those days of being able to distinguish are fading. This is supposed to be meant as a boohoo bunch of bullshit just a holy fuck this shit is getting worse and it brings me back to something I have heard a lot of from people generally in funerals but it’s been said to me a couple times ” I thought we had more time ” I guess it is more meant as a conscience cleaner I guess since disease or not we had the same amount of time but if we have a justification for it we are ok to move on. Some could say I’m a hypocrite as someone I was once close to lost a cancer battle couple of years ago and I chose not to see them I mean aside from their wife hating me for some 20 year old bullshit I didn’t want to remember the face of the man they showed in the picture the weak feeble frame the once very powerful human had been, likely one of the strongest humans I have ever met both physically and emotionally and I have no regrets I when able remember the good the fun he seems to be the only one I can draw good memories from everything else is hard and in some cases non existent of I can’t remember the face. This blog isn’t at all going where I want it to but that’s ok since I write whatever comes along and it seems to work the difference between he and I is I have along time to go or so we would hope, and what most don’t realize is you can’t come back in 5 years and catch up fuck most can’t now my head is to full of how to treat my brain and all of these new folks becoming apart of the little community we have been trying to build since we started and once we realized the majority of those close were fucking assholes and made new cyber friends life has opened up and for me as someone who hated this whole e world shit I have to say I am not sure where I would be without it and without all these new and amazing people. If I had a guess I would say this is more about wasting time then anything else and it was never to late to look and an old relationship with a new outlook although time is running out and some friendships will never be made simply because there is no time to develop but I do cherish those we have now and all of you who now come into the live and chit chat makes every live more enjoyable and informative, remember we never just know and time is all we got so use it wisely as I still seem places I could’ve better spent my time but no sense in living there now it’s time to focus on the road ahead and of course I will have to glimpse over my shoulder from time to time, yet sad and mad lash out talk some shit and get on with life since again time isn’t on our side but a whole bunch of new folks are and for the right reasons this time so let’s make this the year people get truly educated on pot and how it truly helps those that know what to do. Thank you all for following and remember to @1 pm Eastern live Humpday Sesh Q and A see you then.

Nerves Aren’t As Easy As They Used To Be.

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Gaia Green Living Soil Is It For You?

Gaia Green Living Soil Is It For You?

I am going to start by saying we are in no way sponsored or receiving anything for this review other then in our opinion a really solid company with what seems to be an easy to use product, this was supposed to be done yesterday however I had emailed the company to ask a few questions and truly I wasn’t truly expecting an answer as it seems most don’t give 2 fucks once they have your money in the post legalization world but I was happy when I had a response and although I never read it until this morning was sent last night quick response time. This to me is huge as it shows they care about the customers that purchase this product and will help you to attain this each step of the way and for those just seeing this we had planned on using Gaia Green dry amendments with a Coco Coir medium until the living soil video we seen, and figured let’s keep everything with the same company to ensure the organics we are looking for will be attained and with this company I truly believe the small first time grower really has a chance of making their first crop a true success but time will tell and sooner then later for us. The biggest question we had was PHing our water and what if any was the desired PH and the following is the quote from the response from Gaia Green themselves.

“We are glad to hear you are choosing organic and Gaia Green for your growing! Water pH is less important with this type of system, but should still be in the range of 6.2 to 6.8. If your water is too acidic it will eventually deplete the buffering capacity in the media and you want the media pH to stay in the same range.” … Gaia Green

So with not only a Canadian product but one that the manufacturer truly seems to care about I am happy we have made this step and chose to use this product and although we can’t purchase direct from Gaia Green we have found an amazing supplier in the Toronto Hemp Company who has a great price with great service as well, and ironically enough they carry a lot of what you require from papers to bongs, and vapes it’s our newest one stop shop and Jared the online manager seems to be ontop of his game, stay tuned as I will be reviewing them as well, everyone we now deal with also has a link added the to the homepage of our site and Gaia Green’s will be up shortly as we forget ahead in our very first grow content we have all the right people involved. Have a great day and don’t forget have a look at all of these small businesses and see what you think maybe they’re for you as well.

Dosing And Knowing Your Strains

THC Toronto Hemp Company

GAIA GREEN

When My Brain Is Locked Onto The Past.

When My Brain Is Locked Onto The Past.

Today marks yet another day to be full of happiness and looking forward to better things to come however my brain has locked onto the past and I just can’t seem to shake it and in the end there isn’t a god dam thing I can do anyway. Those that follow along will recall my conundrum this past weekend in wanting to reach out to someone for their birthday but knowing making this move brings the fucking wolves to the door in a way I truly am uninterested in at this stage of my life and it’s not an addiction for me it’s an ex type thing and all it’s glory but before I can even get there I have to first understand a few things and I al truly left to my accord in figuring this out and it’s taking me more time then it should but lets get some back story shall we.
I wasn’t always what most would deem the most sensible individual known to mankind and had some kids out and in wedlock with different women well not really as the same result was achieved with all 4 a non existent relationship, now 4 kids 3 with 1 and 1 another isn’t all bad what is bad is I no relationship with any and I stand here even now scratching my head and wondering why since they were never beat, mistreated, always had clothes and food, I worked alot and was never home as I stated we never should’ve been married so the house was egg shells even after I stopped drinking and having friends and dedicated myself to my family, which some will dispute but fuck them truly. All these kids hate me for reasons I don’t yet know and with one in trouble the urge to reach out and help is so strong but I flash back to a couple years ago when again I reached out and wound up alone having all the expectations in the world leading to one of the biggest crashes ever so leaves me in this lurch as I spent my life helping and getting fucked over and this is just one of my daughters since Michelle and I have been together the oldest up and fucked off after we took my granddaughter out for a fun weekend and this to isn’t the first and I mean also not before she got what she wanted plus taking $1000 so again not sure what I or especially Michelle did but things are at the point where I am getting worse and feeling maybe one last attempt or am I again fucking kidding myself or am I looking at this all the wrong way, I mean as we talked this morning you see stories of adults looking for parents who truly mistreated them and gave them to orphanages but they still want that contact money don’t so are they really mine? Am I just a fucking sap that devoted most of my life to people that well mean fuck all since i mean jack shit to them up to and including my parents but why do they deserve fuck all why should I disrupt our lives again for people that won’t even go out of there way, my son for example did some good things sent him a message he blocked me like immediately and I said I was proud of what he was doing, my bad hasn’t and won’t happen again only so many times you smack a dog on the nose before they turn and I think turned long ago and the only logic is the theory of me not being involved in any way other then money with any of these 4, as I can honestly say I gave my shittier parents chance after chance after chance and I did reach out every single fucking time make me feel like a joke and as I write this exactly how I felt this time last year when i realized every single friend I thought I had didn’t give a solid fuck about me when it took in most cases a solid week for them to answer me and I took it all to heart that I was the problem this year I fucking know better or do I?
The answer is sort of undecided as I have some great people in my life and really am finding what works and to add the stress and bullshit of reaching out to be shit in again I don’t think especially now is the best time, so the question then becomes can I live with something happening and well yes I can as life is full of choices daily whether we see them or not I was given a chance by a judge 26 years ago and I could’ve made the choice to go to prison and although I faulted a few times I became better from it, and truly not looking back at old me until now when given no choice as my brain becomes more angry about whatever the idea of the day is and this blog is more and more important as each day goes by since this is the only form of venting I have in the run of a day. It is a busy day so thank you for following along to this nonsensical blog here today as I am really struggling with the path to take, have a great day and see some @1 pm Eastern.

More On The Day And How I Got Here.

 

Today We Win.

Today We Win.

Well I truly made some statements in my brain about just how my week was going to start and honestly I didn’t think in a million fucking years it would actually happen, but somedays I even shock myself and today is just such a day. This past week and weekend had many twists and turns and many reasons and excuses to give up as I did last year however that’s not.what it’s all about, it’s just that fucking simple!!
This is a tale I have spoken of many times you need more then just marijuana you need an entire lifestyle of things and we were in the worst spot ever last year glum, no hope, nobody loved me, world would be better off, and all of those other crazy things that go along with depression and anxiety, and to be truthful I have also talked a ton of shit about just how much better this treatment is for me then any other and today I feel as though we have seen this come true and just what in the holy fuck am I talking about you ask? Dog Shit….Yes you read right Dog Shit and why is this just so fucking special well that answer is simple. This time last year the shit literally piled up, stunk the fuck up and I truly hadn’t a care to give but once done that spell of bullshit I made the decision this year would be different so armed with my shovel and garbage bags out the fuck I went an cleaned the yard of dog shit, last year was more like June prior to me getting there, I had said this year would be different and I meant it. I think at this point a lot has to do with beginning to grow and the weather sort of leveling out and being sunnier then expected and warmer as well, none the less if God himself told me to do it in March 19 I’d have told him to take a long hard suck I mean didn’t anyone understand just how much I had to wallow in my own shit? And how I put such a high price on shitty people? The truth is I am surrounded this year by a whole lot less then yesterday and am having far more fun in reaching out and chatting and people actually reaching out first, our little community we wanted to see grow is doing just that on all fronts, so many positives this year over last almost a shed the shit and onto life one in which we hope to start getting out in the new and fresh spring air and weather and stop talking and start making as many memories as we can before I can no longer actually go out since everything we are and have been doing are to cope with panic, anxiety, and depression in order to get me out, staying in seems almost oxymoronic doesn’t it?
I have as I stated in the beginning think you need to be a tough fucker to do this as we lose more then we win and since we aren’t crybabies nor bragards and don’t ways talk bad day until it passes, I have also said this isn’t for everyone and this couldn’t be more true and frustrating as people pussify over time having the medal of the generations of the past becomes more distant as we were most certainly not made of the same medal as the generation that fought in either World Wars nor even that of the souls in Korea and Vietnam, we were however the toughest of the crop and apparently showed it often as this generation begins to fade and some start to go, as I will mention this week someone I had known for as long as I can remember a woman her and I never really being friends nor enemies just being social died this week and the thing is at 46 this is far to young for any reason and is totally unacceptable in this day and age but it does happen and there just isn’t a thing we can do, sometimes fighting just isn’t enough. I mention this as again I feel as though she deserved longer for herself and others that didn’t waste time but made the effort to be there more time I am sure is on all of the families minds in these days as it is with many others and I guess the moral of the story today is don’t waste your fucking time say what needs saying, be who you are not what other imagine you to be, and for fuck sakes spend time with those who truly want you in there lives and make time for it since not alot do that for us although we did have a visitor this weekend which was awesome so see we would like more time there as well because that relationship means a lot and if I’m not using excuses to waste time then you simply shouldn’t either as I will now begin the fight for the next step which is hiking something I used to love and totally miss. Thank you all for your time and I will be live around 1pm Eastern and what a show it will be. Have a great day see you all then!!

When The Depression Comes Calling.

How Angry Are You?

How Angry Are You?

This is a question that swirls around our house alot as I am generally angry, and yesterday was no exception the worst part is nobody knows why? We do everything right and still there is an underlying agitation that never seems to go away anymore, like an itch I can’t scratch and the need to reach out and harm is at the surface and on days like yesterday when I am stuck in the perpetual spin cycle snapping and smashing someone is an absolute reality.
I truly do get how some on the outside could say you’ve always been angry and this statement as much as I would like to argue is accurate to a point growing up I was always acting a fool trying to fit in and find my way, and somewhere in there I took 1 to many shots to the head which has now spun me into something much worse because at one point i had control and now it just sort of comes on somedays like yesterday brought on by thoughts of the past and those that belong there since no matter how hard I had tried these relationships didn’t work for various reasons, however we are seeing a resurgence of me looking for these people and this one to is almost cyclical as the vast majority of time I do forget they existed in my life at all since there has been zero contact in so long, and our so long is vastly different then most since I can’t truly distinguish a year and a month at times making timelines ever more difficult and the need for this blogging to happen and as much as I have been upset with Facebook it does show me those memories I have forgotten and want to keep and this is a key reason I keep it.
When the scale of 1 to 10 ends with I am about ready to punch you in the face we know life is about to get difficult and it’s not that this is an option as it isn’t however there are times when being diplomatic is non existent, the struggles we have are real and the hard days fucking hard and most inquire about just taking a micro dose to level out and the answer is sort of two fold and the first being we are still working with how much when and so on, second is if I run and take them everytime I feel off then how much difference is there with what I am doing and the vast majority of others and I admit I likely wait longer then I should but I want to make fucking sure this symptom isn’t just a passing phase as the difference from yesterday to today is like night and day. There is no doom and gloom to begin the day I mean fuck how can there be I slept in that is to the time chance until 430am and rather then waking up thinking about things I had zero control over I woke up thinking about our seed looking like sperm and hitting the medium today and the hope of a better future of a fresher product and one that is what we put in the ground not buying something and hoping its actually as advertised and we will now also be able to keep a certain amount of topical and butter on hand at all times, since we shouldn’t be playing this game of trying not to run out like we seem to now, see we used to buy 2 ounces and have leftovers now it’s as though we just can’t keep up and the sad thing is I have went 4 plus hours in between tokens when caught up in cod mobile or GTA5 my 2 new hobbies so we are consuming less is the point see we keep an eye on everything and were going to weigh my bowls but with the shitty quality there is no point as the results will be all over the place and it will just drive me crazy so we will wait until our crops come off and then we will begin this process and it will give us one more edge to treat these nostalgic days that I can not change even today there is no hope of a relationship and this time it’s more me saying go get fucked but this has been along time coming since over the years I have done what I can to have these relationships and well here we are these blogs in the past couple of days have proven invaluable as I am truly struggling and with noway to articulate it to others this has been my best friend and the world as the best listeners I never hear from which is I guess like some giving there troubles to a deity or god, talking through things and although I don’t remember how this started it will end as it always does thanking everyone for their time which some have more left then others and some have more spare then others but we appreciate it all and are striving everyday to make this site and platforms better and give as many looks at this disease and the treatments we have come to use and those we have left by the way side as some fad treatments like the take a vitamin for everything or a supplement holy fuck worst shit ever so to say we have tried the vast majority of bullshit is an understatement but that being said we do know there are alot getting help from them as well as prescription meds it’s just how we do things and in my opinion it works for me and it’s nice to see so many new folks becoming involved thank you and have a great day time to check the memories of the past couple years see you @1pm Eastern as we hopefully have our seed planted by then fingers crossed.

The Week It Was

Nostalgia Sucks Ass Straight Up!

Nostalgia Sucks Ass Straight Up!

Well these days do make me angrier then I need to be but I guess they need to happen since they seem to continue to, and what is it that I am talking about well the past and some of I don’t want to say regrets because they aren’t they’re situations my hands have been tied on for along time and today I almost pulled the trigger and reached out but I’m not that fucking stupid anymore see there is a whole back story I feel like getting of my chest and here we go. There are very few situations I feel more unsettled about then one of my daughters and my parents, for all the wasted time and stupid shit the older of the bunch have done it’d be a wish for just one to stop living in whatever fantasy fucking world they’re living in and stop wasting time but this as for now isn’t in the cards and truly the further into it we get the less I will allow this to happen, and as far as the the younger its her birthday today I really do forget the year but does it matter not really, and there was nothing I wanted more this morning then to say happy birthday why I haven’t a clue truly since the last time we seen each other was probably the most horrible memory a parent could have with track marks up and down and a boyfriend heavily nodding due to a wicked fentanyl addiction and I think knowing the root cause is what makes me the angriest and most unpredictable should anything happen due to this addiction bullshit, now nowhere in here will you hear or read me say I am perfect or that I was ever home when they were kids because this would be a fucking cold faced lie, I was a product of the shit heel that raised me and mistakes I made the first the woman I chose I mean at first I was drinking like a savage still caught up in my teens at 20 or 21 years old still wanting to be the cock of the walk but not wanting my kids to see what I did and really what I had been apart of both as a kid and more as an adult, I laugh because I think everyone live the violence I did I am often shocked to find that people I knew thought I was an insane fucking animal needing to be caged and most thought I was on lock down for life when I went back to hometown after along abscense sadly for them I had really been living a life one alot said would never do. I knew my ex and I should never have done more then the one night together we did but that didn’t change the fact in our first couple of weekends she was pregnant and I had some shit to do as far as taking care of some things so life had to change more and this was going to take along time as the struggle of not wanting to be the drunken, whoring, neglecting, cunt of a father I had nor did I ever want my kid to see that angry violent side of me but how did I keep face in the streets and at home plus work up to 4 fucking jobs at a time to make ends and really like my father before me work became the biggest focal point and in the beginning mainly because it kept me from getting into trouble and gave me upstanding citizen status. My ex loved and likely still does love the bad boy and truly in the beginning that’s all I wanted to be but with kids there was a long term consequence I simply wasn’t willing to pay, most don’t get what I mean as to what I didn’t want my kids to see and it was things like jumping out of cars while drunk and pulling others over screaming like a loon with their kids in the backseat traumatizing them, its beating men until they piss and shit themselves crying for mercy over a stupid comment or a debt not alot I am proud of some well some needed doing depending on who the victim was, again this isn’t bravado this is tales of a kid who was a product of his environment making all kinds of fucking mistakes looking back now there’s alot that could’ve changed but the best would’ve been we hadn’t ever got married kids being kids and having kids.

I will also disclaim anything above I have been held accountable for and it has been along long time but all my kids are over 20 to so ancient history but as I said I thought everyone I knew had these stories, but I guess I was a little different then some. My thoughts were always this isn’t the life I wanted for them and well didn’t for myself but it’s what life was because it was I guess and it allowed me to work as a rig hand, truck driver, and everything else adventurous I did never letting fear control me or what I did, spending time no matter how much in a cage changes your perspective another place I never wanted my kids to go and I wasn’t the parent that hid shit yes I did everything your thinking of so ask me before was always my stance I understood addictions was a family business for us and I also knew it was avoidable by not being what I didn’t want as a kid and I hope this makes sense as my brains on frazzled this morning. The moral of this story is this disease leaves me thinking of nothing but the fuck ups I have made in the past and true or false doesn’t matter it’s how my brain allows my perception to be and mornings like this one make we want to get a couple of 28s of beer and start the day right even though it’s all wrong sometimes the anger and frustration gets me especially at 2am I mean fuck what else should I be thinking about after all, I mean focusing on this amazing life I have now let’s keep going to sleep and waking up in situations we can’t control nor change everyone is estranged from me for various reasons mainly due to me having nothing to offer them and well whatever other reason I am unsure about.
The way I see things is life is simply to short to have all this bullshit nobody is perfect and everyone makes fucking mistakes, the difference between me and most is I have been saying for along time hey I fucked up I know I did can we begin again and if I had sent that message today it’d be no different I would get a little attention one way or the other and if it was good I would get my hopes up and as usual they would get shit on and we have come to far for that to happen so now for my own survival I truly must somehow put this away, I am truly unsure how but the last time was just a couple of years ago and the lies and slaps in the face were almost to much and yes I am being vague here as there is certain aspects I am not covering, but of course there is underlying issues that prevent things from going forward that aren’t mine, I speak openly about alot of things and these are current events not past and again not mine , and I can’t handle disappointment as I have scratched and been curious how so many people that I truly gave my life for hate me because I was a kid and trying to figure out my ass from a hole in the ground, the only thing I can say I am glad so many others are perfect and cast judgement so easily but this isn’t a pity party it’s an I woke up in a tough spot and need to work some off my chest before I explode and what better way then to give you an ugly view of mornings on a topic I don’t cover alot and hopefully won’t again but something tells me this will be a thorn for along time to come but thank all of you for following along and have a great day.

Who Will I be Tomorrow.

 

Well Here We Grow?!?!?

Well Here We Grow?!?!?

There was always part of me that didn’t think today was ever going to come we wouldn’t be able to get this or that, or by then I’ll be to not into shit to do it but as we see that isn’t the case at all as I couldn’t be more energetic and aware if you will then I have been in awhile. This morning has seen me bleaching, boiling, washing, and of course rinsing the dust of the tools of the day, boiling water not only to disinfect but to dechlorinate as well in order to be able to germinate the water in the glass method as well as have room temp water ready for when we plant the seed later this weekend which again has me scared to death and all the pressure in the world, and I truly don’t know why since I have never put myself on a pedestal as the king of grows it’s the opposite to be truthful. We have a few handfuls of theories we are riding on and some help from others without a doubt but just like when I was fighting camp is now over we have learned and now we must make that walk alone and sink or fucking swim it’s on, most people can’t even fucking comprehend this mindset but your always scared did I do enough and I am sure most fighters will agree the pre fight jitters are the real fucking deal and I have them now. The other problem as those that follow along know I am cheap as fuck and would hate for the grow to not grow this would not go over well in my brain so there is a little pressure but certainly not what I imagine.
This is a brain child that began a couple years ago and well it has taken many fancy twists and turns as we got closer from the tent supplier changing day of order to the seed bank changing in the final weeks, the amount of video time we have in watching this method and that, why this one is more effective, and how this should be the optimal setting and temperature to hit as most folks have shit sponsored out their fucking assholes yet still cry for more makes little to fuck all sense to me as we bought as lost would the most basic setup we could within a budget we had set out for about a year solid I’d have to say and we had said around 600 dollars would give us the tent we needed and we came in at 610 all in, I will be going into more detail hence my skipping by things, we had also been looking for a newer Canadian seed bank to purchase from and did so in the last month or so comparing prices and customer satisfaction it was a no brainer really, as I would rather be able to call and say hello how’s your day and them know who I am rather then being a number which most often you are even in this precious and goofy as fuck at times pot community.

I sit back and try and think back for as long as I can and still no where did I see this, but Michelle and I stayed committed not only to each other but the treatment of this disease and seen the benefits from the shitty over priced quasi legal weed were getting and knew if we began to grow our own we could in time do a better job having a more fresh and available product as we have tried varying amounts and now it’s time to see how we stack up and if I opened my big mouth one to many times again and am going to eat shit and smoke nothing because everything dies, or will we see a quarter pound a plant first crack and now the time for talking is done, pull my big boy manties up and get to it, utilize all we have learned and been given and make some wicked mother fucking weed see not medicine like most weed, pot, ganja, marijuana, cannabis whatever in the fuck you call it even if it is medicine for your words it’s all how you use your weed since some days I want to get fucked up and others just survive and as I have said a million times just because you call it medicinal doesn’t mean it is, to me its fucking weed today, tomorrow maybe not but join us and see just how it goes. Thank you all for following and being involved it’s making all the difference in the world see some @1 pm Eastern others have a great day.

OG Kush Review

Montreal Cannabis Seeds

Continue reading “Well Here We Grow?!?!?”

The Need To Over Explain.

The Need To Over Explain.

This need to over explain every single fucking thing I want to say not only makes me sound like a know it all fuck head but gives me the feeling I should just not offer which I generally don’t do therefore I tend to isolate since I mean who the fuck wants to listen to a know it all anyway? Well not me that’s for fucking sure I’d rather punch myself in the face most days then offer anyone advice, seems crazy but anything other than weed and CTE I truly know very little else there days as this encompasses my entire existence.
The true question I have is how do you move forward and make friends and such, I mean someone asked how many number folks have in their phone as in contacts I have 2 Michelle and 1 more number is all now this isn’t the biggest issue since most use messenger these days anyway therefore having numbers is important, but I recall a time I had a thousand plus contacts and a phone that never shut up. This isn’t one of those poor me posts just sort of a wake up call for me as who looks at their contacts these days anyway, this is a realization that for as much as I want to talk to people I just don’t know what to say anymore other then when I’m live or doing this, speaking any other time leaves me self conscious and stumbling as in my mind who the fuck wants to listen to me babble and talk nonsense half the fucking time anyway, ya that’s right nobody not even me and that is as real as it gets.

The fact I hate my own voice and find it annoying should also indicate something deeply fucked up going on. The last few days with the weather fluctuation I have been extra chatty for some reason including chatting non stop to myself which this is nothing new and has progressed over the years to open conversations with myself, and its generally running hand in hand with the pressure I still feel in my head as we came from minus 20 last week to full on plus 5 yesterday to 6 inches of snow this morning all playing it’s own game with my brain and making me talk and give advice which I know better, and it was really nothing just a situation I had encountered a few years ago and almost got fucked but didn’t and I just over fucking shared my point and felt stupid after and angry that I had got involved at all and won’t for awhile again until I forget the stupid feeling associated with yesterday. It is moments and days like that that hit the ego like a hammer and make me second guess my entire existence because maybe I don’t know what I am talking about, maybe I am getting lucky, maybe we won’t be able to grow and are just wasting time, maybe if I didn’t smoke pot I’d be ok, all non sense as we have seen but all point to a lack of confidence and its generally shit talk about myself which we all fucking know is horse shit for someone to do but it’s like an addiction for me at this point all proving why I am this mystical and epic piece of shit not worth fuck all, seems extreme don’t you think? Well extreme is our life and this is one more red flag I have to raise at this time of year as it’s not the kindest but I am fucking determined to make it through this year I didn’t come this far to quit now but don’t kid yourself the struggle is as real as it gets. Yesterday after I felt stupid I wanted to hide away, cower in the corner because I felt dumb, I laugh even now although cautiously since it is serious this is however the train of thought and this blog generally is the derailment of this shit thought process although I will over talk this as well because that’s what’s needed and I thank those that I chat with on these days unbeknownst to most I chat a mile a minute with I am truly working through a struggle and am reaching out in my own way, so those folks that answer and there is only 4 you know who you are thank you really you’ve been helping far more then you know and until a little bit ago even more then I knew. I reach out to talk beer, weed, cod mobile, growing, anything to avoid taking my shit thoughts to move them forward not always talking depression and nonsense but just to feel as though I’m in the loop having a chat with the fellas only thing missing is the face to face and the pint and greasy burger, but this I have also accepted and work daily to solidify the relationships I have chosen to have in my life which is quality all day over quantity since we had quantity and they mostly sucked fat dick and had to go one way or the other and yes some of you small dick wonders can say you walked away you win keep patting yourself on the back, fucking jokes that being said I’m angry still but that to is ok.
I guess the troubles are I spent my whole life being one way knowing very few things really I mean working, drinking, fucking, and fighting were my life and over the past year we have been working hard at making a different and better life for the new me and as much as I am truly not a fucking fan I think I’m finally embracing the change and beginning to understand I simply can’t be who I was and the friendships online we have are the best ever at least all 12 engage on a regular basis either liking, commenting, saying hi, that’s more then used to stop in online before when I had 300 friends, but it’s funny seems weekly I’m banning one or more from our shit as the past and nostalgia no longer have a part in my life everyone needs to be remet as everyone is new, since again I don’t always do the remember when thing, it’s truly refreshing to meet new and worldly people, to have mods that really give a fuck and contribute to the goings on share ideas and stories as without them it’s a long ass boring show and website since I don’t know it all and life isn’t all about me, it’s all about those that maybe get some relief through what we do or how I act and conduct myself to make them feel they’re not alone as I have for so god dam long, now I have found someone minded people from around the world who help me as much as I do them I hope, thank you all for following along and have a great day. Join me @1 pm Eastern when we begin the germination process been a long time coming.

I Did Have Another Topic.

 

It Just Isn’t My Day.

There are days such as this where I wake up full of energy and ready to go and then in the blink of an eye things take a drastic turn towards the I truly don’t give a fuck aisle and this is truly mainly stemming from this sleep thing that we seen last year and is no different other then it does take its toll. The past couple of nights hasn’t seen me sleep the best and truly not the worst either but again this mother fucking weather I mean last week minus 20 and snowing like crazy now plus 5 and rain so it has me knocked back some and last year I would’ve pushed on and done 3 lives being resentful the entire time and ruining a perfectly good message so this year I have decided days like today are better spent alone, seems crazy to some but to sit and struggle and spin and then get angry on a live today simply doesn’t make sense I will regroup and sleep and hopefully bring a doubley powerful message tomorrow. We couldn’t truly be more excited with the way things are going and tomorrow being a new day will give me more opportunity to get out what I want to say and for you to ask your questions and me to be present and answer them with as much knowledge, respect, and understanding as I would expect since this topic is still sort of an awkward one to discuss for some so I will keep this short but just say I am certain tomorrow will be a better day and thank you to those who have been getting involved more and more. Have a great day and back live tomorrow.

Can’t Handle The Heat?

Can’t Handle The Heat?

Well here we are twice in 2 days where the heat has hit me yet again and the affects as some seen are fast and make me weird to say the least. Yesterday during my live I would like to say it’s the first time heat got the better of me but I’d be lying the room I do them in is known for heat and I didn’t compensate for the temperature change here and well had to get off as I become stupid literally forgetting words as fast as they fall out of my mouth and then the anxiety jumps on one loader bucket at a time and a good live goes bad fast, again you’d think I’d have learned by now but I guess not.
The heat has never been something that has bothered me terribly in fact I and loved working in the heat quite a few years in a 98 degree chicken barn, or pouring concrete in the heat of the Ontario summer, running red on a Service Rig in Northern Alberta summer rigging, heat and I were besties except when it came to sleep and well this still holds true. Michelle has had some health issues she’s been battling which makes her heat up at night so all winter our house has been at 63 degree Fahrenheit at night, yes even when its minus 20 and lower for a few reasons the main being keeping the heat down as this morning seen tossing, turning, and a general agitation, the heat Michelle can’t control her temperature anymore then I can control my brain, this is just meant to again show folks who maybe just starting to follow heat is no good and the other reason we keep things cooler at night is bugs cold and flu bugs they say it’s not healthy to sleep when it’s cold I am not so sure I agree since heat is am incubator for most infections so for us cold is one more layer of natural protection against this season of snotty noses and puking.

The confusion caused by over heating is probably the most significant as this is something that happens right out of bed as well when I am warm like today, it brings up the questions of where am I, what day, month, year is it, you know simple things and I can be one ignorant aggressive cunt to when to much heat is applied but with keeping the temp low at night waking up is alot easier as I turn the thermostat up accordingly, as I stand here now its 68 and once Michelle is up itll be 72 gradual increases keep me happy and this is a self serving mission by any stretch it’s a keep the peace and don’t be a cocksucker to Michelle because I’m to hot see life is simple when you know your enemy, putting prescriptions into my body off sets the balance or makes the imbalance worse within me therefore I am truly unsure how anyone taking them can truly distinguish between fact and fiction, some drugs say hallucinations, agitation, sleep disruption, and more things we currently fight and when they get worse in 6 months of treatment why do you all blame the disease and not the treatment? I can switch what I’m doing on a dime depending like this morning waking up hot I will wait longer for my first bowl not being bound by times and situations to take my meds. Why would I wait because if I toke to quick I’ll rush right back to bed in the heat and then everyone will get up and I will just fucking yell all day so again we have been here before and soon I will have a bowl but smaller then usual again fatigue being the number one concern and I have to much shit to do today for that. Those that say were nuts that’s cool this year is proving to be a much better start and although the demon is or angry brain is there we are a little more successful at dealing with these days then we ever have been and I guess in a way we have had yet another little victory as I am not repeating the patterns of old and making sure I do everything I can to control the anger and what notery that goes along with this, we know the memory is the hardest but we won’t quit as each new thing brings a little more hope and as I write this it is showing how far we have come as last year I wasn’t this calm and relaxed struggling hard as fuck is more like it and I don’t feel that thus far not that it’s a cake walk but it’s better then which is truly all we can ask for at this stage of the game isn’t it?

The last 2 years has seen a lot of growth in what we know and how we deal with things and for those that think suicide for me wouldn’t come from a hot nights sleep your fucking crazy its exactly the spark that would set our house ablaze without a doubt, so having our shit wired tight is the key and this is what everyone is seeing as we go along with blogs, lives, and all the interactions we will be doing going forward so thank you all for following along and don’t forget we have many platforms and I will be live on one today @1 pm Eastern until then have a great day all.

 

A Little More On Last Week…

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