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How Fragile I Really Am.

How Fragile I Really Am.

 

It seems a life time ago that I had look at just how fragile an ego I really have at times and yesterday morning has left a rather shaky crazy feeling in me and at first really took me back to when I was a kid with the entire embarrassment thing and seemingly not having control over the ordeal but somehow feeling I did. I am thankful Michelle didn’t freak out or bring any undue attention to an already awkward situation this really allowed me to get my shit together so to speak clean up and face the reality of the situation and here we are today and I am still processing and wondering what I did wrong knowing full well there is nothing I could have done and now how do we proceed from here? Am I really already into the Depends portion of events truth is no I don’t think so however I do think it is something that we need to really pay attention to as time goes on because we have learned it means there is more to come.

It really seems surreal as I write this that at this age I am making reference to something so long ago, that soon will become our reality once again as most will ours is just happening now and we know we only have so long which sort of makes us lucky to a point I guess and it does leave us in a bad spot at the same time since the bad just seems to pop up out of the blue and make things not so cool. I think my reaction today is a testament to the value in what we are doing since I am and this is the biggest part I am alive and that is the key as I don’t think I would be had we not made the choices we currently have and to truly know you would have to know where I was in this last spiral down in the winter time when depression was the name of the fame everyday. The second portion is only made possible because of the first and that is I am still on live and doing blogs and just simply carrying on like nothing is wrong since there isn’t anything to be done except read which I have done and it seems this pesky thing called the Pre Frontal Cortex could be a major issue so lets start there and work on and eventually we will hit the root cause but I do think this is it.

While I am writing this I can’t again help but to go to Michelle with the curiosity of why? To be so young and facing this doesn’t seem to compute in my head as again I am unsure if I would be the same as much as I would love to pretend I would with the cards on the table the best I have is maybe. I also find myself wondering the train of thought that has gone on since yesterday after all aren’t men supposed to be strong, leaders, invincible, and a bunch of other things I haven’t been in a long time? The answer to this has always been yes and now its different and I think I have to get used to it as time goes on and no matter what I think about it as soon each day will roll more so into the next with time or reasoning or who she is a thought as I won’t remember they tell me and I am hoping they are very much wrong and that the reason most forget so fast is due to pills and being stagnant which we will also change. From the actual situation to the look on her face showed me I now need to stand the fuck up and meet her half way she really asks for nothing and if all we can do is spend some years doing like outings taking pictures and having happy memories to carry us through the tough times.

My fear to is now while I am still physically able to travel and see things and make memories if I don’t then when I am unable there will be nothing special to pull us through this no diamond in the rough to help Michelle pull through each particular down slide as without good what can bind through the bad in my opinion. So some how some way things will get back to where it should be with us doing us things and enjoying life with those few that matter these days and make the most of it and for me outside needs to become my friend again not sure how on this one but we will get there if we got through yesterday then it should be a piece of cake I would think. I am sure there will be worse things to come and we will make them easy as well, the biggest shocker is the losing this fight and this is where my ego is taking a shit kicking as most people would be the same I hate losing and losing this one isn’t going to ever sit well so time to fight back right? Isn’t this what I have been doing though is what I ask myself all the time and what am I missing? As the questions abound for now today anyway I will focus on the good and hopefully this will carry me through today and we will look at tomorrow and its challenges when they get here because this is all that we can do since things change so quickly these days.

As always thank you to those following along and taking time out of your day to be apart of Our C.T.E. Life and all of the challenges we face. Have a great day all and see you live in the morning.

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The “Big Pharma” Solution.

The “Big Pharma” Solution.

 

Here is and introduction to the pharma world through my eyes and these opinions in this series are strictly mine and account for my own dealings with these, I know medications like these have worked for others in the past and still do today they sadly however do not make my life any better. I will acknowledge them but will not give them the respect I do for anything from the natural things we use since the side affects and general all around affects benefit me and my moods for the most part now we are also introducing more things as we go to counter these medicines but today is about they why I feel the way I do.

My journey with these began along time ago now and the memory isn’t good and although I don’t totally recall all the events I just know either crying or raging was the way these hit me and would have ultimately ruined my life had I of continued taking them as I have found out at this stage of life that it could indeed have something to do with an actual SSRI allergy they call it or intolerance which causes swings hard one way or the other making it more important now then ever to stay away from them as a rage or cry fit at this stage of the disease would result in suicide for sure and there is truly nothing that I could do to prevent it this I know and more importantly feel in my soul to be the way things would have to go. So for all the bad days I have no I know it could always be worse then it is and I think for the most part this is what keeps me moving forward especially with the old school Landrace strains we have been fortunate enough to come into contact as of late in switching dispensaries this new ones has afforded us Hindu, Northern Lights, A Very Potent Og Kush, and we have a couple of amazing ones coming next we that we have been drooling over in the quest to knock out or down a lot of depression and anxiety as well as sleep and eating as these as well seem to now be an issue at times however smoke enough and bang eat anything, the other perk of this is if one thing isn’t working I know immediately there is no 7 day uptake to find out shit is headed south then a with drawl period of up to 45 days depending on many factors. The thing we have learned about this disease is treatment needs to be administered immediately for example if I wake up and the strain I choose send me into a panic attack which has happened a lot if this isn’t rectified in short order then I slide off the edge or paranoia and anger until I change to a better strain but in the mean time I eat shower and nap if needed and sometimes that’s enough to straighten me out and as we have touched on the pills simply don’t allow the flexibility that Marijuana does and we have only begun to scratch the surface of things we can and will do with it from topicals to edibles and everything in between it will all help in its own way.

This being my first hand account of pills none of which was any good and as for the opioid pandemic I think the distrust for the medical profession and the way they treat everything they deal with makes me not so trusting with my help as I had all the same questions of pills that I did of weed in the beginning as there is simply no true guide of doses, strains, or anything else for the things that I deal with on a daily basis however I had heard of this miracle man called Rick Simpson and apparently he was doing some good things but at first like most I thought it was a gimmick to line his pockets until again I did some reading and well he gave me ground zero for the first time however until growing was a thing oil was out of reach as it takes a lot of flower to get the oil which I will most certainly get into further as I blog along on this site. I had always said if I had anything terminal this is how I would treat things and here we are for the reasons above and I hope it makes sense to all on why I went the way I did and next time I will begin to break down the brand names in the top 10 for everyone’s education and this is a simple remake from our old site but it will be different this time promise.

In closing there is more then just weed but we have an amazing diet as well and by this again you will learn as I should its a lifestyle with Chaga, Hemp Seeds, Raw Honey, and other things we will again get more into as we go, I also monitor my weight and keep track of my calorie intake daily as a way to see if I am ok as we know eating and weight play huge factors in early detection and for us we weigh every Tuesday before the shower, weighing anymore then once a week is defeating as we can flux 5lbs a day given different factors flows with the watched pot theory and we eat whatever we feel like therefore eliminating stress I know what works and what doesn’t to make my day good and if I eat to much shit I have a shitty day moody, sad, and more so common sense dictates right? Thank you all for following along see you soon in live and another blog later on. Have a great day all see you soon.

How Fast Things Change.

How Fast Things Change.

 

Yesterday was a seemingly normal day of nothingness as usual I say that not to be negative just an uneventful day other then Wags hasn’t been himself thought he was sick, however as we know he knows when there is something wrong with me before I do and I need to pay more attention to him as we found out there was and still maybe something wrong since last night was the first time in I am not to sure how long that I actually pissed the bed yes your reading right. This at 3am was the most humiliating, depressing, disgusting, embarrassing, and the list goes on at how small I felt in this situation and then having to face Michelle made this more embarrassing then it needed to be but there was simply no escaping this as I said it was a nothingness kind of day and then it became the most significant day in a long time. We are now well aware there are forces much greater then us at play since this really explains most of our days nothingness and then bang right in the fucking dick life lets me know whos in charge.

The worst part is I have been paying attention to this point and making sure that I don’t break routine by to much, eating what I am supposed to, no smoking or drinking, eating fresh whole food always, and still this is it things sliding down faster then before. Most don’t understand my mindset in this as most would never tell this to anyone me I don’t give a fuck if it helps 1 person like me to know they aren’t alone in this fight, as I spoke in my live its about community the pros have one that doesn’t include me and other blue collars folks like me we get cast off to go fuck ourselves, drown ourselves in bars, and shooting galleries, lets not forget beat the wife and kids along the way with no more control the I appeared to have over my bladder this morning at 3am.. Now the question begs how long before I lose control over more? What’s next? Arms, speech, legs, eyes, lungs, heart? All are prone to just go like tempers, memories, smiles, adventures, and good times to the point the world looks bleak just like this past winter and spring for me nothing seemed to make sense nor make me excited and wanting to do anything I wanted to hide and sulk and feel sorry for myself because no one loves me anymore and tried a suicide attempt again losing control in a seemingly nothing type of day.

This morning life swooped in like it always does when we think maybe just fucking maybe this time will be different things will start coming back a little even maybe stay the same surely we can’t see a worse case now already can we?? Yes we can since life has its own agenda and as late its being a real pain in the ass as every time I think I am ahead I am most certainly not and this to me licks dirty balls. This is about the time most are running to Dr. Jonny Whitecoat for the cure all well not me mother fuckers chin down hands up got me here and I’ll go out the same way win or lose it doesn’t matter and truly I think this and my whatever type of outlook is all that is keeping me going I put a brave face on everyday and do what I do because it is helping boost me as opposed to what we have just lived through in the days and weeks of saying nothing to anyone including limited to Michelle and only screaming at the dogs for being dogs which as we all know makes things worse then they were before. I won’t say taking the time out wasn’t needed since we had ran so hard the past year for everyone else this is about us and maybe I needed to refocus on me and what was wrong as don’t get me wrong I still want to wake up from this nightmare or it is something different I am wrong this is my hope since who truly wants a death sentence and the worst part is knowing each step that something is missing and you just can’t seem to find it again.

I will admit what happened this morning added a level of not only fear but a sadness like I have not felt since the day all of the symptoms, all of the research, all of the everything hit me smack in the face and I was alone yes I had people around but they didn’t either believe nor care today was different as I seen the terror of realization on someone else’s face for a change as we walked through this together both now in our own worlds figuring out what the next move is where do we go from here? Are we medicating right? Is Marijuana the answer?? The answer to the last 2 is absolutely there is no other way for me and where do we go wherever we want truly either I sit back down and waste some more time under a rock to scared to move or I get off my ass and start doing things we want to do. We are now aware of what we are up against and have to reaffirm our attack plan on this disease and I now have to accept that I am indeed aging before my time and act accordingly which for most is simply fucking absurd to think and in some ways as I write this part of me wants to head to the doctors I can’t lie however what is it they could do? As I will put together even less then I am currently doing other then following the research doctors and what they are finding and trying to match things to the way I do them instead of the medical way.

I will say in closing for those just tuning in if you follow along you will see the good, the bad, and the ugly of this disease through the lives, blogs, and podcast’s now. I will add to those who are nay sayer’s “GO FUCK YOURSELF AND ROT IN HELL” I am not usually like this but some have publicly called me full of shit and well I think between this and some other things your seeing all isn’t well and that there is things wrong, things we can’t explain other then to run the list of C.T.E., and Dementia’s since this is how life is for us now. Thank you to all who follow and will continue to see everyone again tomorrow back on live Have a great day all…

A Little More On Last Week…

Welcome today’s blog is about being lonely and it is my hope that this will be the last time this is a problem, I do somehow think this maybe a revolving wheel that may not be the best however it is what it is now isn’t it? This is what I have been learning at least my theory about what is going on at least to this point anyway.

Over the course of this year I have stopped or cut off a lot of relationships for one reason or another an generally just different people then when it began with no sight of getting past the differences and these were relationships some as long as I have been alive and actually the vast majority were and a lot of family as well, I mean this being said I had been gone along time and had at least kept these alive with all the superficial shit that I see others put in as well since they are no longer here and didn’t kick up much of a fuss on the way out not that at this stage of things it would make any difference at all really as it wouldn’t. I believe there has been a morning of sorts going on thus leading to this black cloud of doom hanging over my head and taking the fun and excitement almost out of life at times it seems and really leaving me more alone then I had ever thought, and this is the key thought. What I mean by this is they didn’t know what to do or say when we did speak thus leaving it that they didn’t and couldn’t understand what I and more so we are going through as again I truly feel people play certain roles in others lives and once they no longer serve that purpose or play that role the relationship ends it stays cordial and superficial with a bunch of should’s and could’s about getting together never coming to fruition for whatever reason. This time however there is no more chances for this silly activity we do it is final now whoever is gone is gone and there is simply no one to take their place and through this period I have lost focus on the good around me being to bitter about being alone all the time which if truth be told is a lot more my fault then anyone else since I was the one that allowed me to never make and keep new friends always feeling as though I was cheating on the originals which as it appears didn’t care as much as I did which to seems to be a bitter factor in life these days I guess because my life’s coming to a close and they have me replaced and had all along now that things are the way they are.

This is a thing we have been noticing as of late and me more so has anyway I have a harder time processing things no matter good, bad, or otherwise and I think this being the first time I have been alone for 2 Saturdays in a row really brought it about that I was alone and here’s the trick though as I thought back up to and including the last long weekend 2 weeks ago I would’ve been alone anyway with these people as they wouldn’t have spent a second of their weekend visiting me anyway and that would in fact have been worse rejection as I wrote last week isn’t the best and neither is coming to grips with the fact that I have no one and should anything happen to Michelle for me there is no future as again like much of the past I would be alone and this feeling isn’t the best in the world when its you that has it that’s is for sure. Even as I write this it brings back a lot of faces names not so much just feelings and I knew a lot of people and now don’t know a soul truly and it does hurt my feelings I can’t lie since I feel as though in life I have done as much good as bad at this point and thought by now someone I had kept in touch with would have made me a bit of a priority, but just like the fashion sense it ebbs and flows like the tide those that are popular in that time frame remain and then we move on it seems and our time has come and gone the accepting and working through I am hoping is done now today with this post.

Having Michelle is amazing the problem is what if? Then what? More importantly however is this really fair for her to have to deal with again the feeling of “being dropped” on her door step with a brain that’s about as fucked up as the last time I drank whiskey and walked away. What if she has enough? What then? Does guilt keep her here? If so this is totally not fair to her now is it since she has a life she would like to live as well which is far more important then the little life I have left and the amount I have enjoyed and already forgotten compared to what she has lived to this point. I truly hope this is the door closing that I have wanted as I walked back through how I got here and ultimately how things ended with most leaving me a choice I hope its not late to fix and that is simply pick up and move on and stop letting the past destroy the here and now and future since there is a lot of the latter ahead to go out on a better note with people that actually do care about me and us and how this disease is killing me and so many like me and how people like Michelle end up giving it all knowing full well it’ll be over before it can be totally enjoyed.

I would have to say now is the time to say thank you to the past and what it had and stop wallowing about what I can’t control and work each day to get out of the house and give Michelle a taste of the crazy adventures this amazing country has in the backwoods from Newfoundland to The Yukon Territory and I have a lot of life left to live even if I won’t be able to remember it all that really shouldn’t stop me now should it? It has for now but we do have a plan that will take a little while to get into motion as this summer is coming to end and I am now just heading out of the house for the first time this year so at best we will enjoy some outside fall and winter and spring leading into next summer where we can then get out and enjoy more as long we can keep this good momentum going and our plan in place, but as always time will tell won’t it? Thank you to all for following along and lets see if we can keep things alive. Have a great day all see you all again tomorrow.

OG Kush Review

The Original OG KUSH

“OG Kush is a legendary strain with a name that has recognition even outside of the cannabis world.” –Wikileaf

The Bud's

As you can see nice and compact and very dense giving a lot of bang for the buck.

To Grow

Seeds can be found across North America and Europe.

To Smoke?

Very smokey and heavy with a little cough after each bowl. Smoother in a Cone.

Why it works for me!

The Terpene profile in OG present a lot of the essential aroma’s needed for the brain. This strain has recently been noted as being good for Dementia treatment.

Indica Dominant Hybrid

We find the Indica slows my brain down enough to either sleep or to get things done around the house.

My theory on why it works so well.

Hindu Kush as you seen in my last post in what they call a “Landrace” really meaning its an original. It brings a lot of ancient medicinal value and passes it on as it goes.

What people that smoke it say..

“stress melter. ...relaxed and gets me aroused!! great for sex...”

Leafly OG Smoker..

"Best all around strain"

Wikileaf Og Smoker..

The Week That It Was.

 

The Week That It Was.

 

We knew this week was going to be a hard one to push to the finish and it didn’t disappoint that’s for sure from the new site to the going out for the first time and then what to do next to ensure things keep going. This is the question however I seemed yesterday to have stepped up at least somewhat when I was the worst I had been the whole week I still managed to continue to do what I had set out to in the morning, and really didn’t expect a second blog but did so anyway. It seems for all the good things there seems to be the bad comes hammering into the forefront of things as fast as it can to shut things down sadly though this is all in my head no where else every slight or innuendo or perceived thought, action, or words always have an underlying meaning after all don’t they as part of the grand scheme to smash my fragile ego? Why things are this way are long and plentiful and I am sure that anyone going through what we are understands what I am saying nothing is a safe topic of conversation these days because what I don’t poo-poo I cry about seems and never ending roll of shit if you ask me and constantly leaves me with the question how much more?

This past week has seen some struggles and victories and the main one still is not napping in the afternoon although this one can be a double edge sword in that we dealt with heavy Sun-Downing issues when I wasn’t napping, now that I am and blogging and going live in the morning it doesn’t leave a lot of time in the day to do much else and I really thought and wanted to try going without one this week but it just didn’t work for one reason or another and I am thinking the biggest is having the site and such and developing a new routine that I need to be more flexible with at times since maybe I can to a nap every other day type idea instead of every single one thus making me feel more accomplished which we have found also goes along way this week. The way in which the site went right in to motion just like it was meant to be and yes some we had done before and some we hadn’t but the thing is everything was brand new to me I had totally forgot how to do everything and actually managed to make it better this time this wasn’t without its challenges and times I was ready to throw this laptop out the window as I got fed up quickly but managed to step back smoke a bowl or so and continue. I found that while I wasn’t online in this fashion I was lost and more miserable then I had been in a while and with starting I had to keep that in mind and with the truth being what this is about I almost threw it all back yesterday in my fit of whatever was going on. Again I think being overwhelmed as well as a couple of other minor things lead to this fall into the rabbit hole if you will and without these things back I likely would be there still today which does no one any good I am not back to myself whoever the fuck that would be today but I am better then and over smoking again today to keep mellow and on track as we forge ahead.

Speaking of today it has been having its challenges as well as instead of laying down and doing nothing here I am writing a blog this is after designing our new news letter which we will be sending out in emails once we get some emails to send them to and we as yet aren’t exactly sure what we will be doing with these as in how many monthly type thing likely just one since we are everywhere else and also working on yet another big thing set to launch soon as well this announcement will be in the newsletter, so if you haven’t as of yet sign up on the form at the bottom or if I can get the popup working to sign up right from the from page then we will have you and be able to send things that others won’t see. Yes I think  there is more then enough information to do that along with everything else we do and for me I am tired of belonging to groups, pages and such but just not having what I want in the message or in the people so in a lot of ways I am creating the thing we have wanted since we started at this last year the problem is being as busy as we were stepping and fetching on these social media sites just to stay relevant I am not so sure the juice was worth the squeeze last time and seemed to consume us totally is there a point we can step back? Can we work it hard for a month or so and then coast a bit? The answer is likely not as if you want something to be successful it takes work and dedication in a lot of ways we have to accept getting this message out is an all day affair since the disease doesn’t rest we can’t either in building a little community of people dealing with similar things as us and some different but perhaps looking to change how they manage what is wrong with them.

This went a lot longer then anticipated so I will end it here as we again have a big week coming up as you will see as I begin to hone this routine of mine and add some more quality content based on facts and figures for some good education as well as some other things we are putting together which still amaze me but it is what it is. Thank you to everyone for following along and don’t forget to get signed up for the newsletter which will come out sooner then later either in the form provided below or the popup when I get it honed have a great rest of the weekend all…

More On The Day And How I Got Here…

Well a blog and live done so far and still no end to this cocoon of dog shit that I am seemingly caught in today and really it was a shock to be this today and it wasn’t as I was riding a big big high just yesterday and generally I don’t allow this to happen as the fall is always worse this way and well today I see I have a lot more to do on this type of shit however Rome wasn’t built in a day but time is also running out at the same time so how to burn the candles at both ends when you can barely get off your ass most days. My entire life I was always told that talking about feelings is for girls and it seems more and more this old feeling is coming back more and more for some odd reason and I am not sure why as I again quick look back had spent a large portion of my life in counseling getting unfucked from what was done to me and truly what I allowed later in life as well and then bang here I go back in time one little bit at a time back peddling to a place I left long ago and this time though there is really nothing I can truly do as I fight as hard as I can to maintain and live the best life I can at this point. I do think in large part as well the isolation is killing me and that little glimpse of freedom I had the other day is scary because as good as it felt I couldn’t let my guard as it won’t take a lot to put me back in here and not allowing me out again overwhelmed is the least of it I would say.

I have over smoked today not by a lot more then usual however a little and am more level now then I was earlier however I am still not out of the woods and may not be there today or tomorrow or ever again this to is the big question when will my brain snap shut and say fuck this looking ahead and living thing it simply isn’t for me I guess as my brain mandates we run this shit every so often and I am really over it. And this really brings to the next stage of how I got here as if I was using modern medicine in the form of anti-depressants and psychotics as in the past these have cause me a lot of issues having the ability to over or under medicate without any real troubles as it helps since I am off schedule in eating today so smoke until I get the munchies because then my mood getrs better as I go and I guess the saving grace is I forgot when I am like this the amount of time in between bowls and its really only until I am on the right strain and about 10ish bowls in I become more acceptable and can then calm down and think more clearly so I don’t make any hasty decisions because we all know making permanent decisions based on temporary issues isn’t always the best thing to do now don’t we? However what is the answer for most suicide is still the leading killer people with a lot more money and friends then I have so how am I to make a difference and last long enough to maybe see the day when this can be curbed this is an answer I simply don’t have as I started the day not expecting to finish it if the truth be told and here I sit after eating lunch while I write this out again not a thing if I was taking pills prescribed to me.

It is my hope I have shared the message I was looking to this disease sucks as do most people I knew and invested my good years in as it got me nothing but alone when I fought hard to not be this way and I am also glad I am not using medicine as opposed to weed and good food or life maybe a lot different then it is now. To say I hate this fucking disease is an understatement it takes away everything you think or thought you were and with all the people walking away it shows your life amounted to jack shit and that you have been lied to your entire life and this is hard to write as I always thought doing good for others came back to you and well this isn’t the case now nor ever I will get into more on this on another day as it’ll send me into another piss fit. I hope everyone’s day is going well and thank you all for following along in this life of ours in the ups and downs of the week.

The Worst Thing In The World Some Say.

The Worst Thing In The World Some Say.

 

I talk often about making mountains out of the smallest of things simply because that is the way my brain simply must be since things are getting worse and as I touched on yesterday in my live feeling less then is the hardest part of dealing with this and what I mean by this statement is as follows. When I was healthy or normal I did for myself everything and worked and socialized and had a life now I am social fucking pariah no one wants to deal with me and half the fucking time I figure Michelle is only nice to me because she can’t be rude and just throw me the fuck out like she should and probably wants to a lot since I really offer nothing to better her life just bring shit down with this thing called life that for all intents and purposes I have been REJECTED from it.

Although most would never have the ability to truly damaged and insecure this disease makes you feel I often feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway on this big old island alone whether people are in the room or not I still have it that I am merely being tolerated at this stage of my life until someone can figure out where to drop me next for the next sucker as it seems ironic since I have been with Michelle everyone’s now gone and this isn’t the me taking my girl over the guys teen shit it simply is the reality of life and that I have no place left in it really. This is truly how it seems now doesn’t it to those involved or maybe it is just me today as you see it is very bad day today and I truly didn’t want to be on today and as a matter of fact its an all or nothing day and I am feeling the nothing version more then all I don’t like these days as it can truly go either way and it is these days I am looking to rid myself of however I am unsure how much longer this feeling can continue inside me again.

The biggest problem that I am seeing and this just might be me but people are full of shit straight up and once someone isn’t who they used to be then fuck’em right? Doesn’t matter if its kids, parents, other family, or friends for decades everyone talks a lot of shit about being there til the end until the writing on the wall is there for the end then there isn’t a cocksucker around no where and yes I understand that some people and I communicate in an entire internet world however those close enough for a coffee, supper, couple beer, or simply to shoot the shit no this is the sort of thing that doesn’t happen and why not? Well apparently everyone’s to busy and really I am not a needy bitch I don’t think however it seems a coffee a month or every couple is simply not in cards REJECTION. Those who have said “hey lets get together or hey ill come visit” and where are you?? Again I don’t ask or beg if someone offers and I say “fuck yes” then game on at your convenience as I am here all the time and a “hey be there this afternoon or tomorrow around” all it takes or would have taken now there is no one left and how is it one finds people of similar interests in my position other then again on line I have a few great online folks.

So am I to attend functions now for folks over 65 I some how think my issues will directly conflict with there’s I mean I wasn’t much for making adult friends as it was however if my oldest and supposed closest friends want fuck all to do with me why would anyone else? Simple they wouldn’t and down to if your own fucking family hates you how can anyone else’s like you especially now in the shape that I am in now and at how fast it is going the way I don’t want it to. At the heart of this blog is true loneliness I mean it has been a while since I had a friend come to visit to visit the last one was up to no good and has since been let go and its sad as I did hope this was going to be different however reaching into the past and talking to people I knew hasn’t been the best and lesson learned as I won’t let it happen again since the past has nothing at all for me and some may have noticed my hometown isn’t what it used to be anymore and there are few I have left now for the busy reason and the more reasons then I can count from drugs to thieves to just dirty bastards that never grew up and truly aside from putting up a sign for a friend wanted I am out of options as I must touch on the other obvious I have to check out everyone I meet to see if they’re a jib or a pill head first and trusting in this condition is not about to happen since were a year out of an as fucking from some old friends Ill never forget sad the way it has to be I would say. How does one in my position truly stay positive and looking forward? I am unsure at this point in this shitty fucking day.

That being said time to go live and give everyone the facial version of this asshat cocksuck day. Today I hate my brain more then I did the other day and this is becoming a bigger and bigger issue as I am seeing and I have one Hail Mary left up my sleeve and well I think I am off the mark I am done. Thank you to all for following along I will be blogging one more time for sure today and doing a live in about 10 minutes in our face book group should be a good one. Have a great day all….

Our Outing Yesterday.

Our Outing Yesterday.

 

Well finally after 8 or 9 months I leave the house for the first time and it was overwhelming to say the least and I truly did not want to leave the house I even began to invent reasons I couldn’t go. This anxiety is the worst thing I have ever fought in my life and I until yesterday felt in a lot of ways defenseless just constantly getting my ass kicked by the thoughts of what could and most certainly would go wrong as my mind has told me over and over and over for the last amount of time I have been here alone and although I had talked a lot about this topic this morning I decided to write about it as I got all anxious and confused I felt while on my live which in turn made me felt embarrassed and it then became a step and fetch whirl wind after that therefore I will pick up and probably duplicate some of what I was trying to say this morning.

This has been a plan in the works for a couple of weeks and as we got closer I won’t lie I thought I had made a mistake in agreeing to this what seemed until we got home last night the most absurd idea Michelle ever had I mean it was to be a disaster for sure wasn’t it after all I mean this is the idea that I had been told for months and I was uneasy for the 2 or so hours we were gone almost feeling naked and totally vulnerable to whatever attack or accident that happened and I found even as I got into bed last night still wait for some crazy bottom to drop out of nowhere. This was also the first time I was away from my dog in as much time which I think to left me feeling a lot weird since we are always together but I think to it did us a lot of good to be apart for awhile and it may just be what we could use it once in awhile and maybe Michelle and I can go for supper since I would actually like someone else to cook for me fresh instead of being brought home whatever it is we decided to have that day.

I touched on it in the live this morning about people taking things like going to work, the store, out for supper, the mall even for granted all things I would love to just up and do daily maybe go for a coffee instead of making it at home as I am sure this prison sentence so to speak that I am currently stuck in has got to drive Michelle even more insane then it does me as I can justify a million ways why I can’t and won’t go out and she just wants a life together outside the house once in a while and why not right there is a big old world out there after all. So the question remains how do we keep this positive ball rolling since it wouldn’t take a lot to derail it at this point do we in fact take a month before we go out again or do we push things and what time frame is pushing things? This is all information we don’t currently have the answers for and are going to have to go “By guess By golly” if you will so that we don’t get forced backwards again especially with winter time coming and as we seen last year isolation isn’t the right idea for me at this time of year. This being said things are a lot different this year the drama and bullshit for the most part has been shown the door and we now have what appears a good clean slate to begin this year as I believe having my ego and ass kicked as bad as I did at the end of the summer last year was the biggest problem leading to me shutting down and withdrawing for the majority of society including lives and doing blogs which again I am hoping are less drama and shit filled and more specific and educational and help those around to understand the fight we have everyday is as real as it gets and things can be fragile with me at times.

We have had a few other smaller adventures we have talked endlessly about and with the good weather slipping away maybe sitting and waiting isn’t the right way to go but biting the bullet pulling my pants up tight and forging ahead with as much life as we can live between now and the time we truly can’t due to things getting worse then they are now and we don’t know when this will be later today, tomorrow, next month? Time we know isn’t on our side and I think this is the time we grab the bull by the balls so to speak and run it hard and live as opposed to just exist. I have never been one to lack adventure in life and seek to see the things no one else has or wants to for whatever reason and just because I will forget doesn’t mean we can’t look back through the pictures to remember where and what we did for the future. I am not sure which is more exciting though at this point the fact that I went or that we will go again much sooner then later because what is life is you sit in the same place doing the same thing all the time redundant in my opinion so here we go lol fingers crossed our next outing will be within the next week or so making each one successful and leap frogging to the next one.

Thank you as always for following along with Our CTE Life or Lives whichever you prefer to use we hope to bring the best content possible as we try and learn and educate folks on this nasty monster that controls our every move in life. Have a great day all.

A Little More Insight Into How I Got Here..

Well today is a bigger day then anticipated however we will continue with the journey to 2019 in a brief mentioning type of way so that although folks that have been following can refresh some and new folks can catch up to where things are today. So we will jet back a few years to the only time in my adult life I used the anti depressant script and the not so good outcome of the 5 that were prescribed I became either hostile or cried like a baby either one there was simply no relief nor middle ground with these things and it did cost me a lot and I swore never again at that point however I was a desperate smoker to looking for the fix to quit and of course I added those 2 quitting smoking ones to the list of don’t works on me therefore when I became far more angry forgetful sleepless then I had ever been I wasn’t really where it was I would go for help so in all m craziness I went back to the doctor and tried all I could not to be put on meds got all my brain things done and came back as normal as possible fought some and said fuck it I had already said weed would cure cancer if I got it therefore its where I started and believe me I had a lot to learn.

When I first decided this was going to be the treatment I didn’t know the difference between Indica, Sativa, THC, nor CBD so I had my work cut out for me and not a lot of time to get it all figured out really dosing where to buy what strains sweet Christ a lot to consider and with really nothing but the bunk of a truck during loading and such and a cell phone to read this wasn’t going to be easy so take how I feel and through it into google and go from there so away with the least likely and this took years as I would drift away busy with life and then come back once things went weird like dizzy spells, forgetting where things were, fits of anger brought out of thin air, not remembering things I used to recall quickly. Life seemed to be a constant array of confusion until I smoked weed and in the beginning I missed a lot more then hit on the proper strain and as a matter of fact in the beginning I gave Kush away hated it with a passion and we have found that Kush is the best possible strain for me see a lot to learn.

Through looking at this however another good natural fungus came along one I had read a studied on for the most benefits of anything I had read on in along time however could it possible this ugly tree growth could be this super food they spoke it to be? Well through the years I finally had a chance to speak with Natives in the North that not only swore by it but had used it for years and all were north of 80 years old driving their cars living in their houses and independent which seemed a miracle that far north so to me there was something to this claim and I had first hand knowledge now and armed with it it has been a benefit which again will come later in the blogging lets get caught up.

Through all of my reading I was introduced somewhere over time to this crazy guy named Rick Simpson who was also supposed to have done some amazing things with oil which at the time again I wasn’t so sure but after talking with folks who again had used and continued to use this magic substance we had smoked like trains in our teens years is now supposed to help with depression and all these great things well yes indeed this was also seen with my own eyes at how quickly it could settle things down and cure a nasty thing like cancer so at this point I am thinking what do I really need to see a doctor for follow this protocol and watch well in the early years all I had was pot and a busy life style and it seemed though with every time I stepped back I couldn’t get back to the original pace to the point I am at now not having been out in so many months every time the thought comes up its like I am stuck in the mud my feet won’t work it seems and my mind screams  DON’T GO!! I have also read though that the further along we get the harder getting me to the doctor would be if I liked them and well since I don’t so I am handicapped at a life outside the house in this respect but again today is the day. I do think had I of changed a couple things being isolated wouldn’t be a thing now however after a whirl wind run from the Eastern Most Province to the furthest North West Territory in around 2 years by bus and train mainly I needed some chill time and well maybe took to much is what I would like to think however I think if the truth be told this is how the disease moves quiet and sneaky and every time you stop for a breath its like an anaconda it wraps you tighter.

However back to the past and how I got here today is long and took a lot of hard times in the sense that losing ones mind while still being aware is a hard pill to swallow to say the least, but the worst part was the not knowing why, and truly we still don’t know without a doubt but we do have a really strong hunch based on the reports we read now again daily with doing blogs again I am back to reading and looking into and it really has changed my motivation level in that I want out I want more memories even though they will be gone faster and faster with each passing day to go out not being the adventurous one throwing caution to the wind and existing in the prison of not only my own mind but house as well doesn’t sit well anymore and its time and today it starts. Thank you all for following I will cover more lead up years again tomorrow if I live through this unknown event today lets hope my brain isn’t right in the suicide bomber and missile attack I have already thought about. Have a great day all…

 

 

 

 

 

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