How Fragile I Really Am.
It seems a life time ago that I had look at just how fragile an ego I really have at times and yesterday morning has left a rather shaky crazy feeling in me and at first really took me back to when I was a kid with the entire embarrassment thing and seemingly not having control over the ordeal but somehow feeling I did. I am thankful Michelle didn’t freak out or bring any undue attention to an already awkward situation this really allowed me to get my shit together so to speak clean up and face the reality of the situation and here we are today and I am still processing and wondering what I did wrong knowing full well there is nothing I could have done and now how do we proceed from here? Am I really already into the Depends portion of events truth is no I don’t think so however I do think it is something that we need to really pay attention to as time goes on because we have learned it means there is more to come.
It really seems surreal as I write this that at this age I am making reference to something so long ago, that soon will become our reality once again as most will ours is just happening now and we know we only have so long which sort of makes us lucky to a point I guess and it does leave us in a bad spot at the same time since the bad just seems to pop up out of the blue and make things not so cool. I think my reaction today is a testament to the value in what we are doing since I am and this is the biggest part I am alive and that is the key as I don’t think I would be had we not made the choices we currently have and to truly know you would have to know where I was in this last spiral down in the winter time when depression was the name of the fame everyday. The second portion is only made possible because of the first and that is I am still on live and doing blogs and just simply carrying on like nothing is wrong since there isn’t anything to be done except read which I have done and it seems this pesky thing called the Pre Frontal Cortex could be a major issue so lets start there and work on and eventually we will hit the root cause but I do think this is it.
While I am writing this I can’t again help but to go to Michelle with the curiosity of why? To be so young and facing this doesn’t seem to compute in my head as again I am unsure if I would be the same as much as I would love to pretend I would with the cards on the table the best I have is maybe. I also find myself wondering the train of thought that has gone on since yesterday after all aren’t men supposed to be strong, leaders, invincible, and a bunch of other things I haven’t been in a long time? The answer to this has always been yes and now its different and I think I have to get used to it as time goes on and no matter what I think about it as soon each day will roll more so into the next with time or reasoning or who she is a thought as I won’t remember they tell me and I am hoping they are very much wrong and that the reason most forget so fast is due to pills and being stagnant which we will also change. From the actual situation to the look on her face showed me I now need to stand the fuck up and meet her half way she really asks for nothing and if all we can do is spend some years doing like outings taking pictures and having happy memories to carry us through the tough times.
My fear to is now while I am still physically able to travel and see things and make memories if I don’t then when I am unable there will be nothing special to pull us through this no diamond in the rough to help Michelle pull through each particular down slide as without good what can bind through the bad in my opinion. So some how some way things will get back to where it should be with us doing us things and enjoying life with those few that matter these days and make the most of it and for me outside needs to become my friend again not sure how on this one but we will get there if we got through yesterday then it should be a piece of cake I would think. I am sure there will be worse things to come and we will make them easy as well, the biggest shocker is the losing this fight and this is where my ego is taking a shit kicking as most people would be the same I hate losing and losing this one isn’t going to ever sit well so time to fight back right? Isn’t this what I have been doing though is what I ask myself all the time and what am I missing? As the questions abound for now today anyway I will focus on the good and hopefully this will carry me through today and we will look at tomorrow and its challenges when they get here because this is all that we can do since things change so quickly these days.
As always thank you to those following along and taking time out of your day to be apart of Our C.T.E. Life and all of the challenges we face. Have a great day all and see you live in the morning.