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The Awkwardness Of Me!

Well yesterday was a big day we were having a visitor not something we see very often, I was both nervous and excited and I truly believe it comes out when folks are here and who knows maybe it’s all in my head and I am not as awkward as I think. I really do enjoy it I just don’t enjoy my head when I am around people always second guessing motives and afraid of true intentions and really there isn’t a fucking thing to worry about in reality however in my brain it is constantly pulling angles and why and what it’s enough to drive someone mad, as it was Michelle’s mom the only mainstay in our lives as the rest walked away so why the fuck do I feel so awkward then is my ultimate question and not one I feel comfortable with but while on the topic let’s expand this shall we? Those just finding our blog this is for you more so I sometimes wake up not knowing where I am who I am with etc, this being said there have been days where I even fear Michelle and her reasoning for keeping me around as I put it and it’s always out of pity never anything according to my own mind therefore questioning someone I don’t see all the time makes sense in a sick sort of way I guess if I have to use this term, I still do get fearful and to a lot it would seem silly until I remind all I got hung up in the house being afraid of a 90 year old woman that startled me so the struggle is real. I am thankful that this fear doesn’t cause a knee jerk and me to over react again blind fear of nothing, it is my hope though to see some improvement in the next little while however as always time will tell. This blog best describes what I was telling people from the onset in or out you have to decide since as we see even those that have been in scare me when it has been awhile since I have seen them and I keep saying me as Michelle sees her mom every week I just don’t go and it’s ok for them to have alone time I’m ok with it gives the dogs and I chance to be extra lazy and supper is always sent home so where do I go wrong lol. In all seriousness though this is our reality and although I maybe able to say oh ya I knew so and so truly I don’t think I could pick most out of a crowd in real life and I most likely won’t remember the good old days leaving a lot of awkward silence between us and I guess a large part of me is saddened at a point I have never felt as all those that I thought would’ve stay didn’t and I am not sure I will ever be ok with this, the thing I do know is I will always have a bad feeling and never trust those that walked away or those playing the fence, if this is you delete all my shit and yes I getting the idea of who it is no worries somedays we just need to stop being fans and walk away. In getting back on track, being in our lives I guess does take some dedication a message and visit once in awhile and I am not sure how I would over come that face to face but I do think a new friend would be the easiest as if I have any bad history that’s where I seem to focus my energy and then I am unsure maybe I attack you like a savage and maybe I don’t is that something most are willing to try not those that used to know me before I became this monster I am today and with new folks I don’t have any bad blood or history with the air will be fresh as it is with Michelle’s mom but I see and feel anxiety and an awkwardness I don’t understand and the way it flashes in my head is, am I talking to much, to little, am I on topic, do I speak now, and although more the thing is so awkward for no reason it’s a social retardation almost like I have never seen a human other then Michelle. Those that are still following in the shadows this is where you will stay and it doesn’t matter at this point how much HISTORY WE HAD, that’s what it is HISTORY and nothing more because if I am having issues with those that stayed those that didn’t will never have a place, and for those that don’t know this is mother, father, kids, and sadly grand kids, and all the people I once knew back in high school as most have remained there and although I will live there for awhile mentally one day I left it all behind and now it seems I will do it again for different reasons however it will be everyone as mentioned above. Thank you to those that have stayed even if it’s just an e world friendship these days your still here in the best way you can be and to those that are new thank you as well and who knows maybe one day we will sit and have a coffee and raw honey in person, but until then have a great day and don’t forget live on the Book 7 days a week again 9 am eastern, have a great day and see some sooner then later.

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The Never Ending Fatigue.

I have really been slacking at the blogs as of late and truly been shitting the bed on more then just that at times, however I am still learning this fatigue circle and it seems to hit at the oddest of times and knocks me the fuck out as you see both in my lack of writing and my isolation they seem to run hand in hand and I am fighting like hell even today day 3 which is a nightmare and it’s almost as if I an to tired to fight these days, which is scary for someone who has fought and not always physically to push forward and be better then I was the day, week, month, and year prior. This past week has shown me once again this disease just reaches up and grabs my balls anytime it sees fit and I am not in as much control as I think I am and that pisses me off since I should not have something controlling me at this stage of my life however I survived a domineering mother and cruel ex wife so who knows just how much I can take, I do feel as though this is the portion of events that will drive me over the edge and ultimately end my life at my hands or someone else’s in either event to me its whatever as if I am going to feel useless and worthless being one to need to sleep or never function properly never out of bed for long and contributing nothing to anyone and being that burden I have been dreading becoming since who wants that either to live like or with and generally about the time a home or homelessness happens with this disease and there isn’t a fucking thing that can be done at this point. This morning I posted a story on an ex football player and it was as though I was reading my final years with not sleeping being the biggest issue for all, if we recall Mike Webster tasing himself to sleep or some using sleep pills and alcohol, all clear indications something isn’t right the anger and frustration coming put of the sleepless nights constantly in a state of paranoia never knowing day from night, as.some remember this was my winter last year which lead to things not going well so as I said this morning don’t fucking judge me based upon a bitter mother’s words and yes this is still as always a bone of contention with me that the mother in the story I shared cared and worried I think even saying “as any mother would”, nowhere is talking shit and spreading lies in her statements seems maybe you weren’t cut out for this mothering thing after all. That negative shit aside sleep is a double edge sword as well following the dementia protocols to much sleep can over clean my brain taking with it very valuable and needed things specifics I don’t have current moment but have spoken on a few in the past and will likely post again sooner then later on this, so I have to be careful not to get to little or to much sounds easy right? I wish I could say I have it locked but I don’t what I have is a better idea and it’s just as well to stay in the routine we have has for a bit now bed by 8 then whenever I get up I get up and it seems to be between 2 and 3 generally perfect no but I do get a good judge of my day before Michelle gets up and this past week since the snows been back tired is the name of the game along with fog and unfocused mentally and unable to keep up with things I need to, setting into motion the why am I not good enough, why am I not like everyone else, the vicious cycle of negative self talk grows seems crazy I see it coming and as always can at this point do nothing to stop it, doesn’t mean I won’t be able to soon just means now I have nothing reliable I am however hoping as the psilocybin accumulates in my system it may offer some of its alert qualities to over power the winter as once again its beating the shit out of me but I am getting mad to which seems to switch something in my brain to some place I could never understand even growing up I just hope it’s enough to carry me through these times until summer again is back and we again are actively trialing things at a faster rate with any luck and since last winter we have widled things down as far as potential problems and solutions and are really left with this fucking sleep shit and memory not to bad since tourette’s and Parkinson’s as well as migraines and mental health plus more I know it so we are winning and I shouldn’t be complaining I know however I will because my bar is set higher and I am a little disappointed in the step back we have seemed to taken in all of this however it’s nothing I can’t fight out of with some help of course but fight I will my life is on the line like it never has been and my results being so public are going to show just how much I do know compared to what I talk about knowing, proof is in the pudding and this is what I want to show but getting my ass kicked happens and I accept that as well, so from one fatigued brain to the world thank you all for following and let’s hope knocking up and scrapping works see you all soon live on the Book.

What Sets Us Apart.

There aren’t to many times you can look back where I let my inner ego out but this will be one blog where I think it’s about time since we are different then most and the message they try and get out and this should cover those very important reasons. This entire social network thing really came a day what if and really what did we have to offer the world and the answer is simple a lot and more then almost every single streamer out there again why? It goes something like this for years I floundered trying to figure out what in the fuck was wrong with me, sometimes I was crying for no reason and others raging and foaming at the mouth like a loon and could never ever seem to find a middle ground and the saddest part is how so many around me either made excuses or ignored it how I am not sure but this to me is the only thing that makes sense. I always take from life experience when doing this or anything else and it’s not that my way works better it’s just the only one I know and that’s leading by example and this is what I bring to everything I do a first hand honest account of the way things are either working or not working, since we haven’t had many successes they’re easy to pick out but the failures have been so plentiful bit make the wins so much better and so much more worthwhile. We as a collective to care about the message and the people in that we only want to give the most accurate and honest account of everything not misleading anyone into either spending needless money like so many others ask of you and we don’t deal with certainties when saying whether something we use works or not and that it may just not work for you when most everyone is saying this is a for sure and I am being broad now however we have heard this gas, and the fire stories before tried the strain and it sucked ass therefore we don’t make these statements since we are different things will in fact hit us all differently most don’t make this distinction and the burning question is why? Well this answer is rather simplistic again over a decade at this point reading this trying that spending this and it took till this past couple years to really get a handle on things and there was no where in this did doctors get involved other then to push me away and on into my own thing saying fuck the witch doctors and their poisons unlike others who need a doctor and script for weed and rely upon others to pick their strains this again isn’t us we trial and error our own way purchase weed and if it doesn’t do what the description says we deal adapt and over come some say. We don’t play the whole Sativa to wake and Indica to sleep since its reversed and truly most Sativa’s are useless for me therefore again going against the grain and then the biggest thing is we don’t fit in kicked out generally do to offending some snow flake who cries and rallies the troops around to help there poor little hurt self and instead of educating themselves they keep the same no nothing attitude and spread misinformation like a disease something we don’t since I have been corrected right on my lives when I had the wrong information so with all these points I hope its becoming clear there are a lot of reasons we are set apart and the last to us is the biggest since it appears the vast majority of pot smokers doing lives are constantly begging for money like what the fuck, I thought the purpose of legalization was to show the stigma didn’t belong but as we see it’s worse, smoking in front of kids, while driving, it’s almost as if the book clout is worth more then anything else even looking like everything these pothead swear they aren’t, we try and show there are some smart potheads out there trying to break the stigma but again most don’t want our message they want there free shit and clout of being a top fan and again spreading misinformation like herpes making our message different then the lemming version and again hard to believe. We will continue to give our message and do our research and present the most unbiased and honest opinions of everything we do this all separates us and I know there is more bit the biggest yet again is we won’t beg you for toke or grocery money to just to raise numbers and awareness any and all drama is caused by my brains inability to let certain things go until I speak on them and once it’s done its done. Although I don’t feel as though I got the entire message out this is the second day in row I have written a blog before 5am so again I will take some pride in the fact I can do this at all today as I am more tired then yesterday, seems we are winning again not cocky just aware and yet one more difference. Thank you all who really understand and see this why I had to write it was more a sense of self worth that we aren’t like the vast majority we still just want to help and save people time in running around the web blind and then getting the wrong information. Have a great day all and don’t forget on the Book 9am eastern and 1pm on Instagram have a great sage warm day all.

I’m Fully Motivated Now.

Well as some will recall it was a couple of weeks ago I got spoken to like I was a child and it salted me the fuck up and would’ve caused old boy his teeth had we been face to face, I had a choice though as things were not going as fancy as i thought they should be so once i sat back and looked I really did realize that I didn’t fucking need them anyway since most of the time we have relied on others we got fucked in the long run and well this won’t happen making our own way and we don’t think we are better then anyone we just think we are the least full of shot out of most of the people doing what we do and a lot of time and energy goes into what we do and present as to not give anyone any wrong or misleading information as then we are as counter productive as the rest. Once challenged it brings an old school cool fucker let’s get this fucking shit on and I will do my own shit without someone else’s help, to add insult to injury to be informed if I didn’t fuck with this Smoke Nation punk I was nothing, well I would beg to differ really I would and with the amount of new folks joining and becoming interactive and sponsors and wow things are moving along quite fine without the drama and bullshit of that page. So here we are with this motivation and energy and this building and crossing over again into the other platforms we are building the community that seems to want to be here again numbers are nice we had lots now we have what is meant to be here and nothing more, we are again answering questions it appears no one else has the fucking answer to even though they and they’re weirdo fucking followers swear some are the second coming. The more folks that join and get involved the more energy it gives me and the more motivation and the more shove it the fuck up someone’s ass that we need them to get our story out as I am seeing we are doing just fine.

The flip side to the other motivation is the sense of getting shit done and not sleeping all fucking day and being grumpy and moody as fuck like I used to be I am now on my third blood today fucking amazing 2 lives also done and seems I am coming out of the afternoon fog I usually have and will begin the work on the grow are amongst some other things I have wanted to do, now for this fucking shit to work on my memory as much as it has been my energy then I am fucking winning all day then not that I am losing much just wanting more and pushing for it making shit happen keeping busy reaching out talking and educating and making the most of what’s left which I think will include a trip for us next year something we didn’t think possible along with this last blog of the day, thank you all for following along with our crazy life and seeing us win at least for now. Have a great night and see you on the Book in the morning and Instagram in the afternoon.

Gorilla Glue#4 Review.

Well here it is from little ole me on what I think of GG#4 and potentially answer the burning question of whether or not this strain is an Indica or Sativa Heavy Hybrid, and although I did a live version it has been a few days and I am again smoking it today and am really enjoying it for so many reasons let’s see if I can cover them all here. The first thing I noticed about it was the buds really looking Sativaish and the smell was to me an earthy, brill cream, and chemical mix was heavenly and really for as gross as it sounds made me perk right up and smile meaning the terpenes are for me in my experience anyway as this is what time and testing have told me. So from here for the price I am already excited as it really appears to be what it said it was and now we are closer to grinding which generally sets off a different aroma all together for a lot of strains not this one it simply made the brill cream shine threw with the chemical hitting harder which again made me more excited to see it maintained its aroma, so now we must smoke correct? This is about the time this berry taste hit my throat in the exhale only time berries became a thing with this one and as always I was having coffee to keep my palate clean as a whip and truly get the taste they said I should be able to pull out of it so I am convinced what we have is the true think from the color to the Sativa like buds and the smell of shit basically for most and a nice high again more like an Afghan or Hindu buzz of just being no fucks to give kind of idea except GG#4 gives me more energy at this point then either the other 2 and a greater sense of focus as well so showing some Sativa qualities but not many and vice versa not alot of Indica qualities so to answer the Leafly and Wikileaf debate over which this strain is for me I have to say it works as one of the most well balanced hybrids we have tried to date and this has now pushed GG#4 to the top of the must grow list, again feelings and results can and will differ from person to person when trying a new strain always start small and go up especially if your new, for me I go high and then find the low dose that works but I am looking for adverse effects paranoia, panic, anxiety, and none were felt with think like some others we have had but I do hope if you are looking at this to be a possible strain for you this does help somewhat, have a great day and thank you for following along see you all tomorrow.

The Power Of Music Once Again.

This thing we call music is seemingly making a come back in my daily routine and seems to also be a mood booster and energy lifter, which as of late has been instrumental in getting me up and going in the morning with a better mindset and one that wants to get shit done like this. So the question begs is this a result of shrooms my thoughts are of course yes since it’s been along time since I have really had music on like this all the time and sharing different songs on pages and in groups which is something I stopped doing awhile ago and need to be more vigilant with, we are in a truly unique spot since we have so many outlets we are sharing these adventures on for all to see not only the power of pot, psychedelics, music, but lifestyle and food choices as well this is a stance I have taken it’s more then just one thing, and again I find myself thinking of and this sort of sucks but a book The Zone by Barry Sears and although classed as a diet it’s a common sensical approach to moderation and food and he says you need a little of everything to be in the zone to be the best you, of course it was likely more detailed then that however point being this is the approach we are taking to this fucking disease that’s eating my brain and somedays as of late seems a lot quicker then it was but that could just be my paranoia as well. What I mean by this isn’t the paranoia of old it’s more now one of time running out to quickly even though it’ll run the course it will the damage is done so this worry is silly and I need to focus on the things I am and that is building the best community I can and not only for me but for all of those that needs a different place less politically correct if you will since I most of the time feel like a pariah since being kicked out of and leaving groups has been a thing for many reasons and to get kicked out of one of ours takes a real fucking weirdo since we don’t judge and accept a lot more then most, we also realize our way isn’t the only one and present it as such and encourage others to do the same in all of our outlets again forget the word.

The push is winter really as last year came with a lot of not good times and a break down of not only the community we had built up but to us as well and not until we sat down and faced the sad truth and reality we had built all of that predicated on lies and mostly fake people, here we are a year later and things are building on their own for the right reasons and all the fake is gone and we are making friends things aren’t moving as fast as they did but that’s ok to as this time we are hoping for longevity over popular getting the right message out since we also know doing this won’t be a thing in a few years at the rate things are going so for now we will not only share our struggles but as I said yesterday we will help those that want to work with us and for nothing more then a like and share on a social media platform and with our mod team not only here in Canada but the 2 crazy lads from Huddersfield who have been helping promote us almost since the beginning helping us for nothing more then they believe I what we are doing so why not keep it up and follow the example of these 2, pushing forward into next year and seeing the way things are taking form is truly something and we couldn’t be happier with how it’s going so thank you to all really this is what we are hoping to achieve a true world wide education and sharing community where you truly get out what you put in since all we do is like and share you control your own stuff makes life easy and fun like The House Of Deanna we are hoping this is the beginning of a great relationship as today marks the daywear share her unique creations on the book and moving into next year the site as she will he our first official like and share sponsor see that’s the ease of what we do since most are doing it anyway and this way we are all finding the folks we need through places we may never have found. I am proud of this blog as I am of the one yesterday afternoon something I haven’t done in a while during the week since we will be getting ready soon but I am usually not this awake either, have a great morning and see you all soon 9 am eastern on the Book.

Why We Do What We Do.

This late blog is a product of design today to see if I could in fact be awake enough to write one, size and content really don’t matter since a couple weeks ago I wasn’t even writing at all so kudos to me I guess. There are a lot of new folks following along with what we do and most don’t even know so here we go as some know we fight suspected CTE through a variety of methods and one we are lacking on, not that it’s the only one however it is one and that is community and more importantly friendship for me with like minded folks whether its brain injury or weed that we connect on the point is we connect and if you are trying to do your own thing music, clothing, goods, craft grower, then we want you part of our community. Is it this simple of course it is there is no money old school word of mouth promotion no promises, no lies, no bullshit just a common goal or 2 get a product/service out and make friends seems easy and most happens through social media therefore you retain everything as do we and whether we showcase you and your things on our site and or social platforms there is no difference and what do we get in return traffic that simple. We all work together to build communities and not all will intermingle but leaving ego at the door make this not mean a fucking thing since we all have our own missions that being our whatever we do and the more we all grow the more we all prosper again no fucking ego required, as none will be tolerated see respect goes along away and if I say I will have your brand sponsor our lives that is mentions the entire lead up also during and after and whenever. We must like everyone else are building a brand we would like to eventually get out there as we do daily in our various things, doing things for free fucks with people’s heads they always seem to be looking for the catch and with us there isn’t any again another thing that fucks with people. I mean I have to like your product to feel the need to endorse it or at the very least believe in you as you do me and again with some respect and no bullshit everyone wins.

The fucking bullshit is we have fucking tried this shit more then once and ate shit every fucking time however then we looked to bigger groups and pages this time fuck it we will do things our own way and invite anyone wanting to join to come on in and we have something for everyone I am sure whether it be weed, food, exercise, whatever the case this is the place to be and if you have a live or anything you want to get going let’s hear from you as well I don’t do a rec show I’m all business to a point and need or am looking for someone to go live along with ours I have no issues and not worried about competition since we all have our own shit, and yes I do run another live on medical in our shit now because as I say mine isn’t the only way there are more and we want to help everyone in one place something we haven’t had although we have had some amazing help along the way there really hasn’t been one place where we got all our info we have run all over the fucking internet to get what we know so having it in one spot makes me feel better and hopefully will help some people quicker which again is great. Thing is with all of this let’s join and pesce and love bullshit there are lives and groups I don’t want on our shit or us on theirs and I will let everyone know as we go if this comes up but as yet I don’t see an issue, since we float in different circles then most as well this should be easy. So to recap why we do what we do old school help that’s all the way it should be and I am hoping by picking folks by hand we will get the community we want and I think a lot deserve since there is so much misinformation still out there from the plant and extracts to laws and possession and we want to cover it all world wide like no one else does. Thank you to all following along and sweet jesus I wrote another blog in the afternoon proves mushrooms help more then we know have a great night all and see you live on the book tomorrow 9amish eastern.

A Week Into The Study.

So here we are 7 days today into the microdosing study and the good and bad of it all so far, and truly I didn’t think there really would be much so say I am a skeptic no matter who’s idea it mine or someone else since there is so much bullshit being talked about how this and that help when in truth they do jack shit except cost a lot of hard earned money for little results and this does little except frustrate people and send them back to the doctor to reup on all of their meds or in other cases to hit the local health store and shop for over priced supplements needlessly raising sugar levels when whole food consistantly does the same as does finding the way the chemicals in your brain really work and how they feel really should be up to you not a doctor or fucking bullshit fad diet back to fucking basics people simple as that. That being said 7 days ago I began a .3 of a gram micro dose of Psychedelics everyday for 25 days then taking a 2 week break to evaluate the differences all the while showing results in here written as well as on lives in the Book, and we are seeing a huge energy boost this last few days and although I hit a huge wall last Thursday since then each day has seen more energy and rather then just making it through the afternoon I’m at least laughing and joking and a little more interactive then I was the week before. We focus a lot on mornings and the usual hours of sundowning again we are in 7 days seeing a marked improvement in my energy and mood in the morning which was rough more often then not, I believe staying in routine plays a part as well as everything else we have put together but this one here gives hope that I can become somewhat normal again and I say somewhat because as always memory is the drag as well as this new tremor in my left hand I am working to correct and may in fact already have it slowed up, this is what they refer to as a “Parkinsonism” since it’s a mimic as opposed to the actual disease again they say I am not sure at this point what I believe since inactivity has played a huge role this past year it could be a simple by product of the almighty lazitits bug, so this will come out sooner then later as this week again I push myself to see what we can now do since I can’t recall the last time I did have this much energy and felt this light and optomistic.

This week has seen my lives become full of life again and with so many folks joining from all over the world and all walks of life which again is great and this to could be part of this uplift as its exciting to watch things grow for the right reason it does feel really good, so with so many things going on I will again have to say it has to do with it all and each piece goes in very carefully to help complete the entire medicinal package since it isn’t just about weed as some would have you think, it must be a miracle no it’s only as effective as the person using it also no differently then the diet coke rage, cabbage soup, and many others it always takes more then one thing to help fix especially since our bodies are really fucked up from general everyday eating and in some cases drinking tap water that to add further chemicals makes little sense and although it has taken us much longer our results will last longer then the pills and will also help my brain to truly heal if this is at all possible we are unsure since everyone else is looking the other way time will tell how we make out and we are happy to share it with the world and maybe someone out there can take a little bit of what we do and apply it to there day, this again is the community we are trying to create where it doesn’t cost anything to learn and be apart of and I hope this blog is getting the point home that again we could be onto something only being a week in I want to wait until the end and see the full effect but I couldn’t be happier at this point with the way things are working focus, energy, appetite, creativity, all up and I am excited to see if I can be the one giggling about losing my mind since at this point I can’t stop it and its unknown if we are slowing it. I took this on not giving it as much hope as Michelle did and I still don’t have it but I do however have a better attitude and as I write this I realize just how inconsistent I have been with these over the past few weeks and before 7 today this blog will be done making it possible to again hit 2 which would make me happy since I am hoping today will be our first live on Instagram again trying to help our community grow to those that either don’t fit in or can’t find the answer they’re looking for, thank you all for following and sharing don’t forget 9am 7 days a week I am live on the book doing my thing. I am happy to say 7 days in and we again seem to be winning and this is what it’s all about the small victories have a great day and see some soon.

We Joke About Being Lazy.

Well we laugh and joke about being lazy on the weekends and we truly are there is no joke other then lives and blogs and if course eating we really don’t do a lot and this includes house work, yes seems crazy however I think I have at least half an idea as to why this is and now I will share it with the world. The story sort of goes something like this, last year I fell apart lost my shit and everyone with a very exceptions friends and family all gone so now its Michelle and I and that’s really about it the vast majority of time in 7 days I will only talk to her and our dogs, so when the weekend comes and we aren’t busy doing life we take advantage I guess and more I am beginning to think this is loneliness again at its finest like u have an old friend visiting and don’t want to lose 1 single second of that face to face human contact that I don’t get other then the weekends, so I never want to take away from it for any reason, now I need to quantify this one as Michelle does gave weekends where she does have plans she’s in no way obligated to be here for those thinking it’s a forced deal it isn’t shit this summer she did golf tournaments I think more then one a concert shopping days I mean just because my life only exists in the house for the most part certainly doesn’t mean hers does as she also sees a doctor and is under the care of one now so again we don’t always have the same thoughts but this is perfectly fine with us and funny we don’t even fight about it ever. Now that being said and qualified justified and all the other, this makes the weekends we have special because for me I have a human to talk to and no talking to the dogs like their human doesn’t count. I said it yesterday finding my place isn’t easy so these weekends also seem like the way it just should be a friend sleeping over and it maybe a horrible analogy but the level of excitement is just that and is the reason why I didn’t want to blog or go live on the weekends missing time, as always this isn’t a pity party just a fact and glad I figured it out since now I don’t feel so lazy and it gives me extra incentive to actually push a little harder during the week and get stuff done as I do say it a lot “I’ll do it this week” and bang I run into a wall and my week gets fucked Monday then nothing gets done and I even as I write this I am curious if a lot of it was depression and loneliness, which leads as we all know to the feeling of unwanted although this may not be the case it is still where I go since being wanted hasn’t been a thing in my life until now either but the spiral downward begins with the feeling of nobody likes me and isolation. I do find it amusing as I look around the book and everywhere else how it’s always “I am here if you need me” takes a lot of pressure off that person doesn’t it hey I am right here waiting for you but you have to make the move I am to busy living a life to be bothered with your petty shit is really what they want to say but status quo doesn’t allow such things they must be caring and be there in spirit for friends much like I have been I get it, but I also get my brain says todays the day, this is the minute that life is over mother fucker I’m calling noone and how do I know this well last winter told me so and this is again when I realized just how alone i had been and how much I had fooled myself that people wanted me around as once I stopped texting first things fell apart and here we are starving for friends in real life but truly making up for it in the online world and meeting some other like minded folks having some struggles and whether the same or not folks struggling is struggling or hurting being sick or lonely see I guess this is why i give freely i had been alone with nothing all my life and material things are bullshit designed to rip families and humanity apart with greed this has never been me and hopefully never will be so I don’t get it as I freely gave shit away oh need $1000 to pay your bills sure here oh not xmas money here’s 2000 send some to your kids to and yes these are true and real stories of people working for me oh no place to live no food my house is open and now that I simply look for others time this is a burden a problem but that’s cool now that I know why I am not a lazy fuck on the weekend just someone who’s lonely and happy to have someone take time out to visit, it doesn’t count that we live together she’s the only one wanting to spend time with me so I now have a bee purpose starting tomorrow now let’s see if I can actually get this accomplished I have a feeling I will. Thank you all for following along with our crazy world and thank you for helping create this free little I got your back community where all it takes is a like or share and we know at least someone gives a fuck have a great Sunday and dont forget live on the book in 3 hours 9 am eastern see you there.

Learning My Place Isn’t Easy.

I have been asking myself for a few years now where is it I actually fit in and for this answer I truly travelled from 1 side to the other in the country until finally almost 2 years ago I reconnected with the love of my life and hopefully spend whatever time I have left here, I thought this would in fact solidify all the 30 year plus friendships since I was back home so to speak and well this to turned into a fuck show and never amounted to much other then me being alone and friendless again. Licking my wounds and feeling sorry for myself lead to a suicide attempt and spending the vast majority of the winter isolated and bitter not knowing what to do next but knowing life needed to change and fast or it was over I needed to find my place so again we began to look at the internet to rebuild a community under the old name and vibe this wasn’t what was needed, so again I tried to fit into the ass fuck cheese dick groups where people with suspected CTE are diagnosed and so fucking happy and understanding it made me sick yes I like being upbeat but some of these fuckers act like Peter Pan in Neverland happy as shit makes little to no sense to me why anything they post is all other mother fuckers shit even though they’re trying to reinvent the wheel for no reason and the way they do it is the only way and dont ask questions they won’t answer just follow along well following blindly really never has been my thing so fuck you I am out again don’t fit there either. Well fuck stoners are the most accepting right? Not a fucking chance especially if your like this dick licker I was arguing with yesterday apparently being a medical patient makes you fucking GOD ALMIGHTY since you again can’t think for yourself nor can you mount a solid valid arguement for anything making you an idiot and ignorant therefore I am out there as well, so what the fuck is a guy to do? Make my own way is all there is to it since as I am writing this I do notice I got blocked from someone because of my talk with that asshole yesterday in another group you see folks if things aren’t given all cute and cuddly to some they don’t want you around, well guess what cunt face thank you just the shove I needed to not only get angrier at this peace love and bullshit pot community should he conform or get out peace and love don’t exist. I am at odds with the vast majority of people that follow along blindly and don’t ask the questions, do the research, or take the chances we have and can’t accept they don’t have all the answers there egos can’t take it, this does explain why it takes us along time to build I can’t lemming couldn’t in my old life surely can’t now and it does speak to the reason for so many with this disease to be alone and angry when combined with alcohol and or pills this disease can be devastating as there are days as like some of the last few where I have been agitated and spinning out of control is easy I’m half way there anyway and it isn’t as though I mean to snap it just is what it is life. This past year has taught me I have had no place for the vast majority of my life not in family for the most part yes there are a few, old acquaintances no longer here, and places where I was never meant to be for long since longevity has never really been my thing either and having made peace with life it makes going forward easy and ultimately I will have a spot alone as it was in the beginning does this mean I will stop trying to help some certainly not this is what keeps me busy and my mind working which also helps in stimulating brain activity and the best possible shot at a regeneration in my humble opinion. I have learned being alone is generally the best thing for me to be and I just can’t afford to take this approach again isolation is the killer so going forward I will stick with my own pages and such and a scattered few that I observe and we will grow ours since most coming in are brought in by my warm charm and charisma lol and if you believe that i have some swamp land in Arizona for you, but they come into our circle looking for answers and this is the coolest part since then there is no fight no bullshit.

This kinda went places I wasn’t planning on it going however that is the beauty of the way my brain just seems to do whatever it likes and thank you to all sharing reading and understanding this disease is a pain in the to be nice but if this is what you think you have then finding your place will be the hardest thing ever and expect a lot of pain and despair and isolation most of all until you either hang yourself or pick yourself up and make your own way and yes I get a lot easier said then done and let’s not forget I am leading by example before you Nancy’s run up my ass about not understanding I fucking get it, and until close family members not only call you a fucking liar but go out and tell the world as well you again need to sit back down and behave yourself. See what a dick I can be when I get agitated and I hate this portion of events but it is better then it was and I will strive to make it the best possible shitty experience ever, thank you again for following along and have a great day.

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