This Truly Isn’t For Me!
Well seems this cyclical fuckery has begun again this overwhelming fatigue and I don’t fucking like it and for whatever reason can’t beat it this time, even though I slept longer last night then I had in a while it did very little to help today. These are days generally most don’t see the clawing and digging to stay awake for just that second minute longer, not smoking much to keep weed fatigue out of the equation as much as possible however it doesn’t matter one way or the other since I’m the same stupid tired either way.
Throughout my life the toughest thing has been following rules or being thumbed down and at this stage of life this is exactly what it feels like is happening, my brain has decided this day or that I will the tired as fuck and there is simply fuck all I can do about it and I simply can’t deal with it at all. Since I can longer work or go on adventures I should fucking well be able to stay awake for a day I mean really I fought the naps off last year and guess I must again, at a time when most just say fuck it and crawl into bed I simply fucking won’t I have come to far to step back or regress if you will.
This to me seems like a prelude to coming events and I don’t want to be apart of them already being isolated fucked with my head but if I now have to slow down and step back again this will do nothing but push me into total isolation as what is the fucking point, I mean I’m all about picking my ass up but that last one was it for me and I am more inclined to shut down and stop fighting to stay awake when my brain sees fit to act a fool, as having some control would be cool I mean fuck showered yesterday and totally forgot by last night well truly before supper, I know I know you anti pot smokers it must be the weed, fucking baboons.
This past week again saw me join some brain injury groups and stupidly to since I have tried this approach many times all ending the same way me leaving the group as I don’t fit in and it shows, and it truly doesn’t matter the group material either it’s never my place to be and this to I think is wearing me down to a fine point and its funny how it takes writing to help me see just how close to the edge I am and that there is no other reason the my own life is hijacked by my own god dam brain and all its anxiety and forgetfulness and stupid I can handle, I mean how much can one take before they snap well keep following along as i once again try and find my way through this maze of fucking nonsense to achieve whatever life is left for me to have because quitting now isn’t in the equation, don’t get me wrong it’s always on the table I for now have more fight left, more education, and who knows maybe even more friends to make the future has yet to he decided and today’s plans aren’t finished as I have a live to do in an hour and 45 mins or so, I am unsure how I will feel in the morning but for now I’m grumpy and want to fight for tomorrow which is a good sign.
I am of the opinion more need to see this but more importantly more need to talk about it, I mean fuck been doing this awhile and very few chatter with me on a bad day, tell the truth when asked, the fear of feeling weak is crazy and the vast majority of humanity, not just guys don’t want to appear weak unless they’re a thirsty ass cunt looking for clout. The vast majority of us suffer in silence I guess another mold I am hoping to break as I to am a mans man but I want to live for a while longer after having a brain take so much control and memory away I need to keep what little I have left, well my life is a little more then a lot but it’s all I have left and for today I will keep it and tomorrow will come and I will deal with this again then. Thank you all for following along and don’t forget live on the Book @9am & 4pm starting today have a great day.