The Anxiety Is At Times Overwhelming.
This weekend seen yet another area of old me death and something’s I am not sure I want to continue to deal with so I have to figure out how to change them before it’s to late and I am isolated forever what is it I am talking about well where do I begin since talking about any of it sucks shit but anyway here goes.
The old me dying portion is a double edge sword as I sort of set out to see how many beers I could truly drink before calling it quits and 4 that’s all now some are saying wow that’s a few but considering that was generally the amount I’d consume while thinking about having a shower, which sort of hurt my feelings as I thought I could handle much more and was scared more would’ve been needed as a binge was due as I celebrated being in a better place now why this was so significant sort of plays into this as old me would drink to excess and then be a chatter box and call whoever I thought would answer and Saturday I was supposed to finally beat this anxiety of talking to people in a private setting like video chat and shit again seems a silly as being afraid of a 90 something year old lady because she spoke to me. I was so excited Thursday, Friday, and even Saturday morning and as the time to talk with 2 cool fellas from the UK I froze and dreamt up 50 million reasons why I was inconveniencing them either they were eating, to late, they work a lot, whatever bullshit fear I could conjure I used to make sure i fell asleep before calling and all day yesterday i processed just what in the fuck is wrong with me and why I would give up the opportunity to actually talk to someone as opposed to messaging or texting, am I scared we won’t like each other after, maybe argue over some dumb shit just because I get nervous and panic and yes this has happened a few times.
The troubles and fear I have as I write this seem to grow by the thought of just what could and in my mind would go wrong, is the answer avoiding and leaving it unsaid? Well sort of but not really, I mean to message with a sorry abc came up bullshit only works so long when the truth is I was scared to death and what man wants to admit such things well very few I have ever encountered that being said I am one as I would I rather come clean with this truth then think I am a full of shit clown talking shit as that’s not the case, apparently chatting live with folks is very difficult and likely because it has been so long since I have really talked to anyone except Michelle on the phone anyway. This is a struggle I don’t want to quit on how and when I can and will do this as if now is unknown but I have the monkey off my back so to speak and will now begin to figure it out and move forward most likely in baby steps as again getting spooked is not in the cards in the same way making it trip next year a thing, baby stepping by little outings until we head out for our first over night which could last a couple of weeks scary even as I write but a year shows alot and we will know then if we are ready as I will when I finally shock everyone and just make that call which I think is more what needs doing planning gives me to much time to chicken out as real as it gets no time for bullshit and really honesty is the key after all and what I would expect, so going forward no more plans and no more excuses it is what it is whether fear of rejection or anything else it needs to be taken head on and talked about as this is the safe forum since writing seems to generally make me feel much better and as I write this how in the fuck can we hit the road and meet and greet in real life if I can’t even face time seems I have some work to do and as always more then I wanted to have or needed but this is our life of discovery and I am happy to have this forum as a way to work through them and get them out there, thank you all for following along and we have moved the live to 2pm Eastern on Facebook have a great day and hope to see you there.