Someday’s I Have No Idea Why.
This week has been a fucker to put it mildly it started with so many plans and all that happened is I got spanked and spanked good, however I am still here and fighting ahead not giving up one step I have made either. I had so much hope this week that the naps were done I took a stand after all didn’t I? Seems this thing called C.T.E. has no issues showing me just what I am up against and set me on my ass and just might again today but not without a fucking fight like I have been doing all week, this fatigue and fog is nothing new although I seem to forget each time just how bad it does feel and it comes and goes at the silliest of times anymore and again I don’t understand it I just have to somehow accept this is the way life is and there isn’t a fucking thing I can do other then what I am and somedays this isn’t enough, now this is the fucker to realize for someone like me. See again not a thing for me to simply accept things at face value since for as long as I can remember I was the kid asking why and to the point I have taken a punch or 2 asking when I shouldn’t have, however that being said I am not taking it lightly and think to one degree or another the fight to move forward coupled with some new fangled bullshit brought on by this disease is causing this foggy fatigue type shit that I simply can’t shake, like that urge to puke when you have taken 1 to many shots on a I feel young night you know your puking as I know I am napping and neither has any control.
This latter some have said is my single biggest issue to the point this is why everyone said I was afraid to fly, I had no control and figured I could fly better then the pilot and well in a lot of ways I couldn’t agree more for as long as I can remember if it had an engine I could make it sing so there is a good chance I could’ve flown better. That being said having control over myself has been a thing for me mastering this staying calm under pressure, like putting out a truck fire and saving a man with my trusty fire extinguisher on the side of the busiest highway known to mankind piece of cake work under pressure, yet another thing that has been linked to this the way I worked and didn’t take care of myself, like perhaps the day I came down from around 21 feet as I stripped a cement wall we had poured the day before and the scaffolding came down on top of me and I wouldn’t go to the hospital until the job was done the doctors thought I had cracked my skull I didn’t care I went out partying that night so again not taking care of myself doing it my way is the control I had and at times I really shouldn’t have, but no one could tell me anything in control is what I thought I was at the time I know now that wasn’t totally true. I didn’t want to see it that way at the time which is life right? I mean how easy would life be if we did it all the easy way?
So as you can see this having to take a back seat to anything isn’t my cup of tea and that being said today seems to be starting with me actually feeling more energetic and wanting to get things done as I am doing the pre live blog which never got done yesterday, which I am not a fan of since I don’t blog much if at all on the weekend I feel I should be able to do more then I have been and not have to take a day off because I am to tired to write? If this sounds crazy to you imagine how it feels being me I don’t whether to ridicule myself or cry at the fact that this is the reality and as I write this I am also now recalling we have began trials and this in itself could be the direct result of this and that it is simply helping clean something in my body as it also seems with every new introduction there is almost a period of this I have to roll back a bit to be sure but this is seemingly making the most sense as until Tuesday I was feeling on top of the world and ready to conquer Everest so to speak, then Tuesday until yesterday brought a nose dive on like I haven’t felt in a while and hope not to again for another little while for certain, and I am beginning to see just how little control I have over the next one and the one after. Thank you to all who are following along in this thing we call Our C.T.E. Life have a great Friday and an even better weekend.