Where Did It Go?

It seems like yesterday I could recall things, add, subtract, carry on a conversation, and now these aren’t so easy so where did my memory go? Each passing day reminds me of just how much I have lost and this week is showing me that I am about to lose more, and I really don’t think I am ready nor do I feel it fair but what in life is? If I waited for fair I am sure I would simply die miserable an alone I just wish it didn’t seem to happen so fast its like here one minute gone the next and of course it has an effect on me its sort of like getting punched in the face for waking up and again this is what it is and I accept it, doesn’t mean I wont bitch and complain somedays and get fed up at how life is going and I am allowed to last I checked. This isn’t about being all bitter its about not understanding how things just go so fast from being here to being gone makes little to no sense to me since we are doing everything right aren’t we? I mean eating right and sleeping right that’s enough to help is what we have always been told and I think this is wrong at this point more over the sleep as I find the more sleep or normal amounts of sleep 6 to 8 hours I lose memory and if I do this more then a few days in a row things are again worse then they were with little to no sleep or up and down all night.

I have read studies on this and early on came to the conclusion that the sleep schedule I had at the time was sufficient to keep me up most of the night and now I think it is time to revisit this theory as I have been looking at the idea of flipping my schedule totally since most folks with mid and late stage dementia are reported wanderers and night hawks in some ways I think this is the bodies way of fixing things however when medications are introduced it confuses the situation as to what it is they’re fighting the symptoms or side effects, this isn’t a problem I have as I have zero side effects since I have zero medications.  I know some call me not only crazy but full of shit and this is ok since a lot doing their own thing are spoke of this way and although these people seem intelligent they have spent no time in my company to truly see what in the world is going on and how I get to these conclusions, what I am though is contrary to this opinion since I was deemed so smart and tested as such gifted was easy I was lazy and didn’t care about school and grades but I am and always have been intelligent and as we know I may forget people, places, and things but my intelligence remains and this and time is what I am using at this point to get to the bottom of this shit and to better understand not only the cause but how I can maintain this for as long as possible to maybe help someone else in the beginning phases to slow it down and maybe even reverse things.

This all being said it still hasn’t fully answered the original question of where is it going and why so quickly, but this is what I have to figure out since we have all but stopped the shakes and curses I have in the past exhibited and I am for the most part more energetic although still unable to pull the trigger and do much of a lot with it at this point and part of that is this nap thing in the afternoon which again after a huge night sleep this leaves me also more tired and sluggish during the day and a nap more important. I think it also makes the memory thing go quicker however I have no real proof as of yet on this but am going to as I am now look deeper into it. I am finding that seeing memories on my timeline is also helping me run through things a couple years ago anyway even though its fleeting and often just a feeling more then an actual memory it is better then nothing and an opportunity to push my brain to work even though at times it really does seem like I am swimming in a vat of cement and not doing very well at it either and its tiring to say the least and then of course the down side is always the more tired the more forgetful and like a puppy chasing my tail off we go. Things like this to me are the most important and biggest keys to helping oneself instead of relying on others such as doctors and so called experts nobody knows me better then me and with as smart as I am and having all the time in the world to read and research this the sky is the limit, however I am seeing time running out and I am not ok with it but I am also one who can work under pressure at least the old me was and I hope there is still a part of me there to now pick up the pace and carry through for the next while as we try and hone this thing in and have a better life then we thought possible and for a longer then thought about period as well.

My thoughts and ideas are simple I am doing things my own way therefore there is also no one else to blame other then myself for whether I win or lose and as I have been saying we are winning on so many fronts and losing on just this one it is hard for me to believe I have lost so much in a short period when even my lungs are more clear then they have been in as long as I can remember therefore showing me m body is fixing somethings is it just a matter of time till we get to the brain? Is there still hope that it is all working and we just don’t know it yet? With all of my research I want to say yes this is exactly what is happening but the fact is I at this point don’t know and neither does anyone else doctors or otherwise so until there is I will just continue to this my way and we shall see if I win or lose or if I remain crazy and full of shit going forward either way we will be sharing all of our findings to those that have been and will continue to follow along in Our C.T.E. Life thank you all as I babble endlessly have a great day.

You Hate Me And I Hate You Right Back!!!


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