Well rather then sit and stew with it I figured why not write the ways in which I hate my brain and why it seems as though I need to be up at 130am with a smashing headache that I have managed to have for a solid 3 days now but its been about 2 weeks of headaches harder then I have had in sometime and the reasoning is unknown when will it go away likely whenever it decides to there really isn’t a lot that can be done once one sets in and since I won’t use any headache meds since they don’t work anyway unless I take an overly excessive amount. I do however think it has a lot to do with having to go out today and some other little shit things nipping at my ass that at the end of the day isn’t important anyway.
The other thing that is all effects is sleep this thing that I crave and never seem to be able to over indulge in without consequences if I can get there at all that is. This again is another direct result of this over active side of my brain like this morning the pain in my head must be a tumor right? I mean after all headache for 3 solid days what else could be right? And today will be an absolute disaster no matter what happens right?? These are the conversations my brain tends to have at stupid o’clock in the morning oh and while it pounds and pounds makes a lot of sense to me that this time of day is the time to have these conversations I mean it make total sense doesn’t it?? Isn’t this how normal rational people react at 1am?
This again is another side of this disease that not a lot get a chance to see other then the old way of waking up and being angry at the world and jumping online and ranting like a loon I think this way is for now the better choice on how to handle this situation so that this will be another tiny little piece of the puzzle to look at one day not far from now when I am again in this position because we know it will happen again and soon as well. So I sit and enjoy a coffee while listening to the radio writing about how my brain is a pain in the ass making life so very difficult at times and tonight is one of those times for sure. Why can’t I go back to the way it used to be when going to bed didn’t happen as I was busy working and paying bills if I did lay awake it was trying to figure out how not to work 7 12’s or 16’s knowing full well I was kidding myself because I would work every hour of everyday I could this is normal life isn’t it? What I do now isn’t is it really? I would prefer to look at it more like I simply exist in an angry state most of the time since my brain seems to run the show and I don’t agree with it often.
I am fortunate that I have to worry about nothing more then looking into how to slow this fucking thing down I have found an amazing woman that I have given a lot of respect to and questioned her sanity at time for putting my shit and yet here we are a year and some later and better then when we started for sure. Hopefully with all of the research and using the things we do to medicate if you will such as Chaga, Weed, Raw Honey to name a few all natural to say the least and after taking a little break if you will we realized just how important all these things are do they fix it all ABSOLUTELY NOT however they are as good or better then pills this much I am sure of therefore I have to understand somedays are just going to blow and today is simply one of those fucking days right? Anxiety has been screaming at me about today as well all of the things that can and will go wrong according to my brain fiery crash hostage situation don’t you know this is all possible in my head?? This is what not only keeps me in the house it keeps me up at night why you ask my brain is a dick is all I have on that one and I am angry I want to be normal again and normal being a relative term to say the least however in some ways it was a lot better then this that is for sure.
As I sit here I guess I am a little more angry with this disease then I want to let on and as it progresses and the more alone I am the more I am not a fan of this shit and in some ways I guess I am more angry at those I helped leaving me in the wind now that my brain is giving out and they either don’t agree or believe not that a lot of these relationships were healthy in anyway however in some ways it was better then being alone and of course I have Michelle this goes without saying if it wasn’t for my brain I would have some more as well but as it stands its us against my brain and that’s just the way it has to be right? Thank you all for following along in our crazy brain hating lives I will be back later I am sure.