Well today has seen one of the most confusing days we have been through in as long as I can remember, honestly to the point this is like the only thing i will be doing today. This morning started much later then usual and had me beat tired and truly still does to the point I won’t fight a nap today so what happened you ask?
The first noticable issue was a conversation i was having with Michelle in the bathroom although in reality she hadn’t even left the bedroom, truly this is the first time i have had an auditory and visual hallucination at the same time, I know my terminology isn’t correct however it’s all I have, ok remembered in time and won’t correct giving you decent insight into where I am today, as I wasn’t going to do this either but I do hope it may snap me out of whatever this is as I am not sure as to how I got this confused, I mean the hallucinations being what they are I am also stuck in the month if November for some reason, tried shaking it talking it through and yet I can’t seem to move past this notion of Christmas, ironically a time of year I fucking hate and I have no nice way of saying it either as it has never been a favorite ever, therefore being stuck there for if you recall my thought it was close to Christmas 2020 within the past week as well.
There is no doubt this revelation scares the ever living shit out of me as there is simply no logical reason to be stuck in a time of year I hated and seemingly being in one fuck of a hurry to get through this year. These days are coming more often then they used to and again we aren’t exactly sure, but I do think its ties directly to the amount of sleep I am getting which as we have learned is to much but I am now at its mercy since ever standing here writing this I am having troubles staying awake, and I slept longer then I generally do and still wanted another couple hours sleep but wanting to stay somewhat in routine I forced myself up and am still not sure it was the right idea.
The idea of noticing these types of things is likely the scariest part of the whole losing my mind, and to really how much will I put up with before I go around the fucking bend not knowing if Michelle is in the bathroom or bedroom not even hearing me, so was I simply talking in my head and wanting to say these things, if so why did I see her in the bathroom and hear her voice so clearly coming from there as I made coffee? See this is one fuck of a way to wake up not a fucking clue and almost worse then getting shit faced and black out drunk, at least at the club I’m dancing, fighting, and acting a fool as usual, what brought this on is truly unclear but I am sure we will be seeing it again the only question is when, and fuck it not alot I can do except this, write it down so we see it and can say hey this is the last time we seen whatever it maybe. I keep Facebook for this reason as well a yearly gauge on how life is going good or bad allowing us to see if we are winning or losing and until today I’d have said we were making some progress now I am not so sure, darkest before the dawn are the words in my head and this is my hope that we maybe seeing a swing in things for the better but the increased sucker punches and confusion is just things cleaning up and somewhat jump starting, I mean fuck this train of thought is harmless and encouraging to a degree, but if we see in the weeks and months to come confusion becoming more and more the way life is then we know we are fucked and just do whatever the fuck we want as time then will be truly running out at a pace we can not keep up with. Thank you to everyone for following and for the most part I will be laying low and thinking more then speaking and see no relevance in going live or posting much of alot today so everyone have a great day, and a happy bday to Michelle’s mom today as well I hope their day together goes well. Let’s see what tomorrow brings as today is a sit back day.